As Though of Hemlock I had Drunk

Dream of the Flood

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 02:16:07 GMT

Today it rained rather a deal more than I even I was anticipating. In town it seems the drains were unable to cope and the card shop next door to the one I volunteer was flooded, along with the church up the road, and Boots. We had water coming through the ceiling and cascading down the stairs but fortunately the damage done to our little shop appears to have been limited to wet carpets and some slightly damp videos. As it was though since my shift only began in the afternoon I missed all the great excitements of the fire engines in the street and the clearing of drains. So I only saw the aftermath of buckets of water and wet patches on the ceiling. A man is coming in a few days time to check for leaks and other damage, still it seems we were spared the worst unlike next door where the water apparently came in through the back door. The drain apparently also runs under the length of their shop and when unblocking machine came to do its thing turned out to be solid the whole length with black, spongy stuff. Don't know when they'll be ready to open up again.

Comparatively only a little wet got into our shop though also only a little custom too. I spent much of time wiping down videos, a bit playing with books and only the smallest amount serving customers. So it was something of strange day really. In the years that I've been working there I've never known it to flood like that, and those people that did venture by seemed keen to reiterate the point. Not that Whitby hasn't seen flooding before, but this was still something of an event even if, judging by the curious way it seemed only to particularly affect randomly spaced buildings up the street, this was a localised failure of the drains. Still, fun I suppose and led to me having a fairly quiet and peaceful little afteroon really and since most of the rain had dissipated by the time I got out, pretty dry too.

The rest of my evening has itself been pretty uneventful that is until a curious incident just now. I ventured outside (remembering my keys this time!) for a quick cigarette and spotted a cat trotting down the road below. Nothing unusual in that, I have often seen this kitty scampering by at night, often pausing to stare at me before padding away. This time though, in a sudden break with tradition, kitty decided to come and see me and scampered up the step with little kitty mewls and proceeded to be most exceptionally friendly, circling round me repeatedly as I crouched to pet the creature and rubbing against me. When I stood up it did hindpaws and sought to cling to my legs before scampering hopefully up to the front door as I turned to go. So getting back indoors I had to be careful slipping through the door lest kitty, obviously eager to be indoors, slip in with me. I'm now left feeling rather remorseful really, particularly since after closing the door on the creature I could still here it mewling in the most plaintive and lost manner that it could manage!

Aww, I am sorry kitty! You know I'd love to have you indoors with me but this just isn't the place for cats. I'm not allowed and besides you wouldn't be able to let yourself out again when you wanted. I am sorry, really. I've no idea what might have brought on this strange change in cat behaviour, but I can't help feel just a bit mean having to close the door on the poor little beast. Well I but hope that it will find its way to warmth and dry, food and loving, petting companionship soon. Heh, hopefully one day too I might do the same! Sadly on this occaision the factity and the rules stand in the way once more. Still, tomorrow I may go off the caravan to visit parents and my own little kitty. At least I can make a difference there. In the meantime hopes everyone has a good weekend and finds the warmth and food and companionship they require. I shall seek to give what I can, and see what I find.

Just a Bunch of Stuff that Happened

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:25:32 GMT

It's raining and, according to the weather people, is going to be so for quite some time. Yay! The previous two or three days had been edging perilously close towards become rather too warm and sultry for comfort so a good bit of rain is a pleasing thing. There have also been one or two other pleasing things in the days since my last journal entry too, along with a quantity of worry and angst which for me is inescapable but fortunately that hasn't spiralled to any particularly distressing levels just yet. In the general though, this week seems to have been rather quiet really by my standards.

Whilst the herring gull chicks that had been perched in nests upon the roof tops around my flat have now begun to stretch their wings a bit and take their first few unsteady wanderings I was also treated to the delightful sight of a few hundred starlings flocking over the town and preparing to roost. I'd never seen such a display before, except on television, and the movements of so many starlings together in the soft evening light really is quite a mesemeric thing to watch. I wonder where they all came from and why I haven't seen such a thing about town before. Perhaps this year has been a little more favourable for nature than the last few? Certainly I think I've seen more swallows around than I remember and a fair number of butterflies. I suppose this summer has been a bit more warm and settled than previous recent offerings, despite the odd rain shower.

Meanwhile, Wednesday 15th was my Dad's birthday so I phoned him up and we talked. His recovery from the heart-attack seems to be going well, no further signs of illness. They'd been out to Haddon Hall in the morning and were off for a birthday meal at step-sister's house in the evening. Heh, no chance then that he's keeping that strictly to the levels of rest suggested by the doctors but he's still rather impatient with the restrictions that step-mum is managing to keep him to, and with not being able to get back to work yet. Still I suppose these are all good signs and things seem to be going well.

Meanwhile, I also just got my overdue assignment back on The Color Purple. For various reasons I didn't expect the greatest of marks, but I'm consistently surprised by all the scores I get for everything. What, I has intelligence? Don't be silly! Still, I'm particularly surprised indeed to discover that I scored 80% for this assignment! How did that happen? Heh, I wonder sort of scores I would get if I really put the time and study effort into reading and preparing my essays that I feel that I should be doing! Perhaps one day too I might actually feel myself worthy of praise rather than just adept at academic conventions and a little bit lucky. Still, 80%, and I thought this was going to be my lowest mark of the course. Shows what I know in more way than one maybe? Will take more than that to convince my insecure brain though, that I know very well indeed.

Anywho, besides that I've had a busy couple of days in the shop and today a routine trip to the jobcentre. After a bit of a ponder I then chose to spend much of the rest of my day reading The PowerBook by Jeanette Winterson. A while since I've read something without then writing an essay at the end, heh, but then I went and wrote a review of it on Facebook so that perhaps missed the point! Still it is interesting the difference in the experience of a reading a book for pleasure and inspiration compared with reading for study. I think though the processes are complementary to each other though rather than at odds. Reading for pleasure is a magical, transformative and enhancing experience of course, but study adds depth of understanding, opens up new perspectives and broadens horizons. Different but complementary experiences, though I am a literary creature I suppose and maybe it would be different for others with more natural affinity for other art forms?

Either way, The PowerBook is a gorgeous tale filled with Winterson's usual beautifully lyrical prose. Perhaps not my favourite of her books that I have read, certain devices of the story (particularly around the transformative power of story writing) do not quite come off for me, but still a wonderful book. Indeed, perhaps a little unfair that I spent most of my little review detailing my small criticisms when most of the book is wonderful. Still, it's Jeanette Winterson writing so you can take it as read that the book is largely enchanting. It's those other bits that require explanation. Anyways, in case anyone happens by, not on Facebook, but with a wish to read I'll attach my little review here too. I'd quite like to hear other views and perspectives. If you've not read it I don't think it should spoil much of the experience, though you might not fully get all my views. In the meantime, hopes the stories you be writing are going smoothly...

There is perhaps a certain irony that I read this today, outside of my literature course, partly out of a desire of reading something that I didn't have to write an essay on when I had finished, and now I'm writing a little essay on it. But anyways....

Jeanette Winterson's prose remains ever a beautiful and lyrical thing. Her evocations of thought and feeling really enfold you and draw you into the characters and her decriptive writing sets the scenes with sublime details. This is certainly a beautiful, thoughtful and moving book though at the crunch I'm not quite sure I like it as much as some of her other books I've read. Whilst the story itself may be a delightful creation the elements which you might call the story of the story perhaps don't work quite so well.

The trouble with a story that uses the device of referring to the process of reading and writing stories, the bounds between the fictional and the real, beginnings and ends and so forth is that it draws too much attention to itself. It is perhaps a little too pleased with itself and by trying to impress upon you the shifting boundaries between the real and the idealised and the power of the story it brings into starker focus the factity of what you are holding in your hand. A physical book, writing fixed in black and white and bound by the limits of its covers. The more it seeks to blur the line between fact and fiction, reality and desire, the more stark facts seem to make the effort to reassert themselves.

Furthermore this the The PowerBook and books are by their nature confident things, even the ones that pretend not to be. They are secure in their bindings, the black and white certainty of the ink on the page and a conclusion in sight. Confident and freely fictional. Reality is the reverse and whilst this may not have been the aim of the story, it doesn't quite sit well with me personally that the lyrical beauty of the prose is not really reflective of the fears and insecurities of the physical world. Though it is an intelligent thought to invest the PowerBook with the power of the writer, writing themselves and being changed by the writing, and the second-half of the book is perhaps better at it than the first (it has perhaps done more to earn such philosophising by then) it still doesn't quite sit right with me personally. Although the more I have sat and reflected the more I have slowly warmed to the ideas, yet it is still not with the intensity of love and magic I have found in some of Winterson's other stories.

Still this remains a beautiful, charming, moving and thought provoking story and certainly a great pleasure and inspiring thing to read and reflect upon.

Martin Amis is not a Penguin

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 01:56:19 GMT

And penguins tend not to wear trilbys either.

Anywho, one of the things that can pretty much always be guaranteed to bring a little giggle of a weekend is turning to the letters page of the Guardian's Review section and peruse the cartoon by Tom Gauld in response to the letters. I think he particularly surpassed himself in surreal, literary amusements this week personally. Anyways, to further illustrate my point, you can see a selection of past efforts at his website, and may I highly recommend perusing this Flickr set. Admittedly one or two do just seem a bit random out of context with the letters they were responding too, but the brilliant surreal humour still shines out in most. At least to me anyways, it might not be your thing but you can go look and decide for yourself if you want. I think at the moment, my personal favourite of those available to view online would be this one. See if you agree.

Well, it was a fairly quiet weekend. Hee. As yet there is no sign of any great new winged poetic inspirations coming out of this unusual calm but it does at least allow me to post links to random fun silliness, so that be good. Today was quite nice too as I got to go out and share a coffee with a luffly friend of mine. I was perhaps not at peak conversational form, it's a remarkable thing really how brain can go from the overly thoughtful thing it is when I'm alone to folding in on itself to become a blank and empty thing with people. Any people, whatever the relationship, indeed it can happen more so the more I like them since (I assume) I care more about what they might think. Still this isn't the time to bring in such analysis, and I still managed some sentences and thing were pleasant. The weather probably didn't help, it was another of those overly warm and humid days, nicely cooler now though. Anyways, I got to go see friend which is good and hopefully may happen again sometime soon.

Tomorrow then I am off to go play at the shop where hopefully this period of relative goodness may continue. Currently I'm walking a fine line. Pleased that things are calm for the moment yet not wanting to get too excited and rush to do something only to get disappointed at a lack of apparent immediate progress. As I often find myself doing in my cycle. Also, wanting to write and do things and think about stuff but not wanting to think too much lest I let in the doubts and anxieties. Whilst things are ok now I can feel the balance is still a precarious one. I haven't quite yet got the hang of living and humans yet. Still, time for bed now I supposes and I shall see what the week ahead brings. I hope the world may bring much delights to your week ahead, I shall be doing my best to cling to this little stability that I have seem to have come across Still, a prolonged period of cooperation from the universe would really be very nice too. I do deserve just a little bit of good fortune, don't I?

Ozymandias' Twin

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 01:22:22 GMT

Gosh, what is the best possessive form for the name Ozymandias?! Well, either ways I met his twin cat once again today whilst out walking. In virtually the exact same spot too atop West Cliff. The similarity really is remarkable, I could have almost imagined I was stroking Ozymandias himself, had I been sitting on the sofa in the caravan looking out across the river rather than a bench in Whitby looking out to sea. The twin is perhaps a little smaller than the Ozbeast, not so well fed, and has less sign of a tail stump, but otherwise the two cats really are identical. The Oz twin is hugely affectionate too, much like the original, and I spent a good while with it purring on my lap, much enjoying it's rubbing. I could almost believe that they well be out of the same litter. Still, who knows, but it's certainly a peculiar little thing.

Meanwhile I keep wondering what this strange feeling might be and I've come to realise that it's the feeling of not finding myself stuck in the middle of some impossible sustained crisis! Now Dad is out of hospital, I've got my university assignment completed and my capacity to go indoors is still undiminshed things seem curiously quiet now. I suppose I should try and enjoy it whilst it lasts. Having survived all it has my brain now feels it might actually be able to do some things. Whether or not it will remains to be seen, it would nice to be able to write a poem or something though, I've not done anything really creative for ages. I'm somewhat tentative about stepping out into such realms though, not wanting to break the spell. My usual cycle often involves some hopeful attempt at productivity only for my train of thought to take a pointless detour into the sidings of disappointment and despair for no good reason. For now I shall just try to remain quietly positive and hope the tracks will run smoothly for a while. (And any other train metaphor that Andrew Eldritch may not have written about).

So probably best not to try analyse things too much right now and give the delicate shoots of hopefulness some time to germinate and rise. Admittedly though, expecting me not to think about things too much might be rather like asking a cat not to meow but still it's worth a try. For the moment I shall just sit and appreciate the evening is warm; the rain is falling softly from a chocolate brown sky and the air caresses the skin like a whispered secret. The moment is the only thing I dare to wish to think about right now, hopefully though I may absorb some of its poetry.

This is the News. Bong!

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 01:20:21 GMT

It rained! (I thought I'd start with the good news first.) Yes, finally the thundery downpours reached my little corner of the country and whilst I was little disappointed at the limited amount of flashy lightnings, it was still fun enough to run about in. Thankfully the rains have also ushered in a somewhat cooler and fresher atmosphere too which is most welcome. Really don't think I could have lasted much more warm. Anyways, the day of the rains, Monday, I did scamper over for a visit to parents who currently have Pam, my mad step-aunt, which made for an interesting experience. Such a shame I couldn't stay though! Oh well. Heh.

My other good news is that I have finally managed to get my overdue university assignment finished and submitted. I don't particularly think it's the very best of essays though and I'm not expected the greatest of marks but after everything I'm really just glad it's finished. Really though, I think even without all the events with my Dad it would have been a difficult essay. Partly since the subject wasn't one I was particularly familiar with and also, what with my tendency toward, umm, wordiness, in my writings squishing all I wanted to say about a whole novel and another short story into the concise style required for a 1,500 word essay is no easy task. Still I managed to stitch something together in the end that vaguely resembled an essay and made certain noises towards addressing the subject. So whilst I'm not expecting great things from this one it is now done and after all the fun of past weeks methinks I'm now more or less back on track with things.

Unfortunately though, things did go downhill a bit after I had finished my essay last night. Having pressed the save button for the last time I thought I would reward myself by stepping out into the clear night air and indulging in a cigarette. However, in deference to my just displayed levels of intelligence and wit I cleverly managed to forget to take my keys with me. I could have sworn they had been in my pocket but I was sadly mistaken. This would be pride coming before a rather stupid fall perhaps. So as it was a quick, relaxing cigarette after my intellectual labours became a six hour period of wandering about the deserted nighttime streets, getting really particularly cold in my t-shirt. I stepped out at 2am and it was not until 8am that someone else came along that could let me back in! Especially annoying too that all that time, my lights and laptop remained switched on drinking up expensive electricities to utterly no purpose! Smrrs. Something of a humbling experience but still, at least I can laugh at my idiocy. Heh, I'd be drowning in my tears otherwise!

Anyways, after being let back into the warm at 8am I then had to scamper off for an appointment at the jobcentre at 9. Fun! I can't say I was in particularly great shape to add much of my own voice to proceedings but in some possibly intriguing news I may yet get another interesting work placement thing soon. Maybe. It's a wholly new scheme this one apparently, with new contractors, so no one can tell me how it might work out. I am the employment guinea pig apparently. *makes squeaking noises* Still, hopefully I may sometime in the near future get a fun new thing to play at being for a while. Anywho, this afternoon I spent at the shop but after my little ordeal over the night I spent most of that on a zombiefied, spaced auto-pilot. Oh we do though have a fresh new volunteer called Jason who seems nice as far as I could tell through my brain fuzz so I may have myself a new real fleshy friend to share my quietness with. Which would be good.

Oh yes, and one other curious thing as I was shambling about town this evening, I came across a kitty that was almost the absolute spitting image or my kitty Ozymandias! Black, lacking a tail and apparently feral (collar-less and un-neutered) as the Ozbeast was before we adopted him. This kitty even seemed to have a similar temperament, happy to be stroked and paid attention to. I'm casually wondering if they might somehow be related. On the other hand though this kitty seemed entirely tailless, rather than stumpy as Oz be and whilst I'm totally up on how the genetics work out for cat tails my suspicion is that they would come out one or the other, rather than being born with just a bit of a tail. Much too tired to be researching such stuffs now though. Still, I doubt really whether they are littermates, but the similarities were striking! Hee, do cats have doppelgangers like us humans are supposed to?!

Anyways, that's pretty much the news. Bong! Or at least as much as I can bring to mind to type. I am now pretty much exhausted but the good news is I should now be more or less caught up and have everything back to where it should be. Tomorrow then I have nothing at all I specifically need to do so I can afford myself some much needed rest, heh, so long as the world will be good enough to allow. I hopes that everyone else be good and well in the meantime. The next news update will be at some point in the future. You can entertain yourself with your favourite 'The Day Today' headlines or somesuch in the meantime if you like... Branson's clockwork dog crosses ocean floor... Well, anyways, hopes all is good.

Enough

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 01:27:48 GMT

Oh but I have really had enough of all this warm now. The weatherman today said it had all gone away but I can't say I've really felt any cooler. On the contrary, the sun was particularly blazing today and the air felt as close and humid as it has ever done. I really can't say I'm liking it very much. Even taking walks along the cliff top to enjoy the slight sea breeze hasn't really been doing that much to ease my squishiness. I'm not much enjoying being a sticky, sweaty creature and nor is it helping the activity of my brain much either. I would really like it to rain, actually properly rain rather than the brief pointless drops we've had so far. Still I should also like to have a brain that worked properly and did what it was told without being enormously self-conscious and insecure. That doesn't really seem particularly likely in the near future though either.

Another thing that would be helpful would be a somewhat more reliable landlady. We happened to be in the same place at the same time today which provided an opportunity to pay some random quantity of rent. She also asked whether she could have a copy of that agreement we'd talked about. Agreement? Oh, you mean the tenenancy agreement? That thing we made up when I first moved in over a year and a half ago and, actually, you haven't mentioned since? Well, yes, but of course now I couldn't remember where I'd put it since I'd moved a whole bunch of stuff in preparation for the new door being put in my flat. I did find it though, less than a minute after she'd left. Heh, anyways, speaking of the new door apparently she's been having trouble with that as there isn't enough room for a full height door in the corner and rules and regulations and what have you. So, no idea then when if or when I might get my two little rooms joined together. Can't say I really care. I'd rather prefer just to be able to get on with things without pointless interruptions, preferably in a slightly cooler environment and with a more proficiently functioning brain. Well, I can dream can't I?

Anyways, I don't really have much in the way of news or insights to report. Any degree of thoughtfulness or positive action has been rather limited of late. Even my usual self-deprecating and depressive angstings have been rather half-hearted. Meh. The only particularly shiny new thing is that I seem to have downloaded IE8, or windows did so for me at any rate. It's slightly shinier and comes with strange accelerator things to make activities on the web that much faster, and which I am particularly doubtful I will ever find myself actually using. Oh well, enough of all this pointlessness. Time for bed and attempts at sleep, and if I don't wake up to find things a good deal cooler and my brain a good deal more lively I'm going to be very grumpy! And then I'm going to write an essay.

Oh well, I hopes everyone else be surviving and feeling a lot less like goo than I do at present. Squishy hugs.

Too Hot for Thoughts

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:03:52 GMT

I finally got to talk to Dad on the phone today! He's been released from hospital with newly widened arteries and sounds quite well and happy to be home. Suggestions that he might want to be spending a bit of time taking it easy now don't sound like they're going to be particularly strictly adhered to, but such is Dad. Still, he sounded well and good so that be a big relief all round really. So, yays for that at least. Now perhaps I can start thinking about getting on with stuffs once more.

All this excessive hot isn't really making that getting on with stuffs particularly easy though. The shop was once again busy and crowded and stuffy and I ended the day feeling a rather wearied and achy-pawed animal. Tomorrow I have the fun tasks of a visit to the jobcentre, which is bound to be entertaining and another to the post office. Still, I'm hoping the day will allow me some small quantities of rest and recuperation. The forecast is for rains though on Friday and I'm very much looking forward to that. Hopefully it will freshen up the atmosphere and enliven my brain so I can get myself to work on my now overdue university essay over the weekend.

For now though I'm rather too tired and it be much to hot, humid and squishy for anything resembling real thinking. My laptop too seems rather to be functioning with much the same speed as my brain at the moment. Smrrs. So I shall go scamper off now and see if there's any chance of getting to sleep in this close weather. Lying down should at least be good for my little paws if nothing else. Still, good news on my Dad at least. Now I can go back to worrying about all the really inconsequential things that usually infest my brain and paralyse me into inaction! That's if the weather allows. Hopes no one else is too melted.

Too Hot for Titles

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:38:27 GMT

Well the good news be that Dad his angiogram today, he had two stents put in, and should be able to go home from the hospital tomorrow. Apparently he is much happier now that he can go home, though of course he'll still have take it especially easy for the next few weeks until he's fully recovered. It seems at least though that the ordeal is just about over and the wheels can slowly start turning again. I did have a flicker of worry whilst I was at the shop today and the phone in my pocket kept vibrating away to itself whilst I was busy with the customers but all the news seems positive so that be good and I can breathe a little more easily now.

The shop itself was particularly busy today. Or perhaps it just seemed it on account of it being particularly hot. We also had the fun of having police in to deal with possible shoplifting. Security is something of a difficult thing for a little charity shop without cameras and only little me on the shop floor most of the time. We know things get taken but it's impossible to watch everywhere at once. Today though, whilst manager was downstairs with me, we were helped by another customer who informed us someone had gone out with stuff under their arm, which neither of us had seen. Anyways, the person involved apparently claimed they were things they'd bought in other shops but couldn't seem to show any receipts for them. Still, we couldn't easily prove otherwise either. Either way, we'll be trying to have two people on the shop floor whenever possible. Depressing as it is for people to steal from charity shops of all places we are at the same time rather soft targets.

Despite that though the takings for today were pretty good. In fact they were pretty excellent owing someone coming in during the morning to donate a cheque for £700! Hee, so we pretty well on course to make our sales target for the week I would think. Shame it didn't happen whilst I was there, the most anyone has donated in one go to me has been about £10. So overall I guess we can probably chalk this one up as a reasonable day for the British Heart Foundation. Although, along with perhaps a little better security, it would have been nice if they might have put a bit thought into better air conditioning when they did the refurbishments last year! I was a somewhat sweaty sticky creature by the end of the day. I'd vaguely hoped that their might be some pretty thunderstorms to freshen the atmosphere but in the end just had to content myself with taking a torch into the shower and making rumbling noises to myself. (no, not really).

Anyways, all this hot is not really creating an atmosphere particularly conducive to my doing things. Hopefully though now that my list of worries has been somewhat reduced I may be able to make some acheivements. Can't say I'm feeling hugely positive just yet, a good proportion of me seems to have liquefied, but we shall see, good things have to happen sometime don't they? Well, no they don't have to, but it helps to keep saying so. At least some amount of rains is forecast for these parts on Thursday I think so maybe I shall yet live! Hopes everyone else be managing with their worlds. Happy July. *squishes*

Making Friends with Local Cats

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:43:57 GMT

Today has been one of those frustratingly pointless days where my brain has just gone and sat in a corner and stubbornly refused to budge. Poke at it with a stick as I might, I've been entirely unable to get anything constructive out of it today. It does get rather dispiriting to sit about and try to think of the things that I should be doing. The only vaguely positive thing I really managed to acheive was to approach one of the local cats hereabouts without it running away. This involved a good deal of crouching and looking small, non-aggressive indirect glances and slow, sporadic steps with outstretched hand. Evenutally I persuaded the creature to sniff at my hand which, disappointingly for kitty, didn't contain anything edible. Still this is something of a step forward in human feline relations and it was very sweet when it did that cute, rolling on back, I'm a submissive kitty thing. Hopefully I may yet progess to actual stroking at some point in the near future.

Other than that though I really did exceptionally little. Hopefully this is my brain digesting the strange and stressful events of last week to set it up for doing useful things in the coming days. Perhaps I shouldn't be expecting too much in the way of action from myself at the moment, but these troughs in my thoughts rather seem to happen regardless of any particular outside influence a lot of the times, or with not much outside influence. So whilst I may have reason for not doing very much today I still don't like it much. In any case, reading something shouldn't be beyond me, or taking myself for a little walk somewhere, or whatever small activity I know I'd enjoy besides those things I know I actually need to do. Still, my brain rather refused to do any actual thinking today, rev the engine as I might the machine just wouldn't start. Doesn't really do a great deal for confidence or self-esteem, you'd think being me would be something that should come naturally but I've never seemed to be particularly good at it.

Oh well, enough narcisstic self-pity for the moment (hopes you will forgive it, I felt in the mood for such rambles). No more news on Dad as yet but that I suppose means that things are still ok at least. Tomorrow I shall be back at the shop and perhaps back into something more like the normal run of things. Having said that though my essential goal is pretty much to change the normal run of things and, for instance, be more active with rather less of these depressive days. These last weeks have been different certainly but I'm not quite sure the universe clearly understood the kind of thing I was trying to wish for. Heh, stupid universe. Well let us hope that these coming weeks shall bring more constructive things and somewhat shinier fortunes for all. Still, if all else fails I can still be friends with cats at least I suppose. Hope everyone is surviving the heat, swirly sea fogs seem to be keeping the warm at bay here for now at least. I'm thinking I'd like to see a good flashy thunderstorm up here to invigorate things a bit. The forecast didn't really look too hopeful on that score though. Oh well, we shall have to struggle onwards and we'll see wont we, yes? Meow! Yes.

And On It Goes

Sat, 27 Jun 2009 00:56:18 GMT

Well a strange and stressful week it has been and still it goes on. It seems the doctors changed their minds on doing Dad's tests today so for now he remains in hospital. Also it's been stressed that they really wont know the cause, or long-term consquences, of his heart-attack until the angiogram has been carried out which leaves me slightly less reassured than I was before. He does though still seem to be reasonably comfortable in hospital and much happier being off the high-dependency ward where he was first taken so there is at least no immediate danger it would seem. Still, I remain a bit of a concerned and confused creature sat up here but when I might actually be able to go down and visit remains somewhat up in the air. Still any need I may have to settle my nerves obviously takes second place to my Dad's need for rest and quiet. If peoples wish me down there I shall scamper off but otherwise I sit and wait for news and do my best to get back to what passes for normal ways up here.

Heh, at the moment though I do feel rather adrift of things and I keep having to remind myself what day of the week it actually is. I didn't do my usual work at the shop today, though I did drop by to update them with news and share in a few slices of our manager's birthday cake. I will though be doing a shift tomorrow morning so I shall be able to update them with these latest changes to the news I gave them today! Then the plan is to go and scamper off to see Mum and step-Dad at the caravan for dinner. They also might be going away for a short while tomorrow so I might have a bit of cat-sitting to do next week as well. Still, some quiet time with kitty would be very welcome after all the drama this week has thrown at me methinks.

Between that I will try to sort out things for my passport, although whether the planned grand family holiday in France will happen now I've really no idea. Apparently they've said that Dad will have to take things particularly easy for at least the next six weeks, though it's about seven weeks until the holiday, who knows how things will be then? I can't really think that far ahead to be honest right now, just trying to get on with what I would have been doing. My Open University tutor has at least been particularly kind though, assuring me in an email not to worry about my assignment and she'll mark it whenever I can get it in, so that was nice at least. Hopefully the people at the job centre will be as equally understanding when I goes to see them on Thursday.

The town has been immersed in a swirling, spooky sea fog all day today at it rather feels like my brain has been too. Still, for now I can but do my best to try and get on with things here and wait for news on how my Dad is getting on. In the meantime I hopes that the world is being kind to everyone and I guess we shall see what the next installment brings. The town has been immersed in a swirling, spooky sea fog all day today at it rather feels like my brain has been too.

Developments

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:34:07 GMT

It does start to get a bit worrying spending a day trying to get into contact with people without much reply. Still, eventually I did get to talk with my sister and the good news it that Dad seems to be a fair bit better now. It seems that the angiogram has been scheduled for tomorrow and if the scan goes well they me even allow him to go home after that. He has though apparently been instructed he'll need a few days of complete rest however so it may be that I wont be going to down to visit right away as had been my intention tomorrow. Still, it remains to be seen what the scan might show up yet. As it is though the good news seems to be that Dad is recovering well so hopefully, besides perhaps some necessary changes to lifestyle, there wont be too much in the way of long-term damage from his heart-attack.

So I'm now somewhat more reassured than I was, and waiting for whatever news might come of his tests and depending how those turn out will scamper down to visit sometime next week perhaps. Not much else to add besides the affect this might have on my time for writing up my university assignment which is due in a week's time. I had planned, before all this, to write the essay over the weekend though obviously such thoughts had to be put aside. Now though I may or may not have that time after all, though how good my concentration will prove may remain to be seen. I did write a short note about to my tutor but haven't heard back on that yet. Still, I should like to hear the results of Dad's scan and that he's well and out of hospital before I really start thinking very much about me at all.

Anyways, the affects of this heart-attack fortunately don't seem to have been too bad so hopefully all will soon be relatively well again. Meanwhile, walking about town today I did spy one little sight that caused me to smile to a degree I had to capture it. These blue flowers growing, somehow, in a profusion of explosion of natural colour down an otherwise grey, concrete back alley. Almost hard to tell whether they are growing up the wall or spilling in a cascade from out the window. Or maybe the flow from a burst pipe magically frozen into blue flowers. A magical sight anyways, showing that nature and life will take a hold anywhere that it can, even in the most unexpected places. Still, in the meantime, I hopes that the world is being kind to everyone else and you may find a little magic and wonder amongst the grey.

Now the Bad News

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:26:14 GMT

Things really can change in an instant. After a busy day at the shop I strolled through the sunshine to go have dinner with mother, the world seeming about as reasonable as it gets. There however I was greeted with the news that having only left Sheffield the day before, my Dad had been taken into hospital after a heart-attack. Such news that suddenly brings the world to a shuddering halt. The good news, if such it can be called, is that apparently he seems to be ok, sitting up in bed and reading and so on, but still my Dad's second heart-attack is still a serious shock. My brother and sister will be going up there tomorrow, wish I had means to make the trip too, still they'll be phoning me at some point to let me know how things are going. I'm told he'll be having tests, an angiogram which involves putting a catheter into the arteries and introducing a kind of dye into the blood so that circulation can be seen by X-ray and any blockages or narrowing or arteries shown up and treated with angioplasty where necessary.

Hopefully everything will go ok. Not really sure what to think at the moment as causes and prognosis remain unknown. I shall just have to wait and see and hope I suppose. More than strange to think how only just on Monday we were walking down into town together, him to go into work and me to catch my train back here. He'd seemed perfectly fine all weekend as far as I could tell. I'm reminded very much of the events of his first heart-attack. It was around my birthday and I was coming back from visiting my mother up here in Whitby on the train, looking forward to some fun and enjoyments only to find my step-mother waiting for me at the train station with the bad news. Now virtually the same thing has happened again. Hopefully he'll recover as well from this as he seemed to from the first and maybe they'll find some root cause to his heart problems that can be dealt with. Hopefully.

For now I can but wait and worry and see what turns up from the tests. Not much more I can say really. I hope that the world is currently being rather kinder to everyone else. Now I shall see what news tomorrow will bring.

El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Wolfy

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 02:34:42 GMT

Well here I am, safely returned from all the, err, fun of wedding and Sheffield. I set out early on Friday morning decked in charity shop finest including a jacket which, judging by the contents of its pockets, had previously belonged to a mustachioed freemason who liked a day at the races. Probably the closest I've ever actually come to wearing a suit in my life. Anywho, for a change, all the trains were on time and the journey passed by relatively smoothly and with a suitable quantity of bunnies to be spotted out the train windows. So I got to the station in reasonable time where I was met by big sister and her husand and we went off to join with brother and father in a little café before setting out to find the church whilst Dad and brother went back home to change into their finery, Dad, naturally but amusingly, getting told off for getting back to the house later than he was supposed but still, everyone was generally in time for everything so you can't reasonably hold any grudges on that.

The service was nice, Father Andy is a long standing friend of the family and of the more warm-hearted, humourous, and indeed catholic, of Catholic priests. The hymn singing was pretty terrible but there were some lovely moments. The reception afterwards was, well it was ok. We were in a hotel, once a grand house built by rich Sheffield industrialist which was a pretty setting if rather labyrinthine and the rooms rather small for the purposes of our gathering. The food was pretty bad and the service fairly terrible too whilst the bar was hugely expensive. The DJ also got a bit grumpy it seemed as few people seemed much inclined to dance to the really terrible music he was playing to begin with. Fortunately I managed to get away without doing any dancing myself and it was nice wandering around the hotel grounds which included a small pond inhabited by an exceptionally cute family of ducklings. Overall I thinks any discomfort I had was generally bearable so I guess the night went ok, though I not sure if I could really call it very much fun exactly.

Mainly the difficulty for me was being crowded in a place with lots of people I didn't really know that well and trying not to get too uncomfortable. My social skills, particularly as regards random drunken conversations with excitable strangers goes, still needs a bit of work. I suppose though learning to be comfortable with myself in situations generally is a thing that I fear I shall ever need to work on. Having some kind of cold virus probably didn't help either as it added to my feeling of being a bit too hot and enclosed indoors, still I managed to wander around without too many people noticing me up until about half past midnight when I and my siblings wandered the short distance back to the house and left everyone else to it. Having set out at about six in the morning I was pretty exhausted by the end and glad to be aways to sleeps.

Afterwards came the fun dissection of events and relationships involved. Who had and hadn't been mentioned in speeches, how much the groom had been drinking, who ended up being offended by whom, those sorts of things. Still, I rather lack social skills and didn't really know many of the people so hadn't much to add myself. I am now, it seems rather detached from what was once my life in Sheffield. A good thing in some ways though, I seem to get on well with most of my immediate step-family now even if the difference time has made to perspectives is rather strange to experience. Still gots to work on much in my own current life though of course! Still it is a good thing to have those past difficulties more less now properly in the past. By Saturday night everyone had more or less gone their own separate ways leaving just me with dad and step-mum and we spent the day wandering about other people's gardens in a community organised day thing. The sun shone bright and generally it was all quite pleasant.

Strides forward were also made for organising my trip in August to the France that is being organised. I now have train and plane tickets booked for me to get there, the only thing that remains to be worked out is how I'm going to be getting from the airport to the chateaux that has been rented for the week. It's yet possible I might be able to get picked up from the airport by car, but most likely I shall be having my own adventure in trying to find my way across Paris by myself before getting a train out from there to the nearby town. I shall have to do more research and polish up my French a bit! Still at least I have a pretty full itinerary for the whole trip, starting out around six in the morning from here as I did this weekend but not actually getting to my destination this time until about nine in the evening. Assuming I don't get lost on the way. Heh.

Anyways, the journey back here from Sheffield was pretty painless if rather crowded. It was interesting seeing how all the new developments in the centre of my old home town have come on though. Heh, in fact they've almost got the city actually looking nice but still you can't really expect that much of a miracle! But anywho, the journey back was swift and despite large windows somewhat transforming the modern models of trains and buses into something like mobile greenhouses, crowded mobile greenhouses even, I got back, pretty exhausted and with the sense that the weekend was at least more good than bad methinks! Which is better than nothing eh? Back to what passes for the real world for now though with the shop tomorrow and supper up at the caravan, but will be returning here for the night. My latest OU assignment will have to be written next weekend so I'll have to get myself thinking about that now too. So it's back on with the usual efforts anyways and the hopes of one day maybe even finding actual employment, some relatively solid ground on which to place my paws, and whole real life of my own. The mysterious journey continues anyways so we shall see where the road or rail may lead me next.

Oh, and if you were hoping for some kind of new photographs of me after the wedding, well I don't know if or when those might arrive. I didn't really get much time to be taking pictures myself and nor was I coralled into any formal picture taking either. Besides, the people doing the picture taking (step-sister and husband who run a wedding photography company) didn't seem to be particularly organised and the bride (step-Aunt) who was supposed to be choosing which pictures would be going in the album was far too busy with partying it seems to meet up as arranged to go through them. Still, many pictures were taken and so if I do turn up on anything I'll be sure to point it out to you. One day yet I may get round to taking some new pictures of myself, you never know, it might happen. For now though, whilst there may not be any new images of me, I will share you with the one picture I did manage to take on the day, that is of those cute ducklings down by the lake, six of them in total, all huddled together in one big fluffy lump of ducklings! Awww. Hee. I hopes everyone else had a good weekend and enjoyed the solstice. Happy midsummer and stuffs!

A Fine Line

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 00:31:47 GMT

It often seems a very fine line in my case between tentative hope and fearful despair. Things aren't really helped a very great deal though when the universe misbehaves during my tentatively hopeful periods. My phone for instance today deliberately tried to confuse me! See, I got me a message from a most lovely friend that she would be about in town today. I replied to this message and after received another one saying she was in Bothams (famous, no really, bakers and cafe/tea rooms type thing) just across the street from me. So, I bounded outdoors in the hope of seeing her. Sadly though, I hadn't reckoned on when these messages were sent which turned out to have been a couple of hours earlier, a time when I was in my exciting appointment at the job centre. Smrrs. Stupid phone. Why can't it show the time a message was sent rather than just received instead of hiding that useful bit of information away in a submenu? Oh well, no real harm done I suppose besides the vague puzzlement of the two friends I did happen to bump into outside wondering why I was trying to spy into the upper windows of Bothams. Still, call me paranoid if you will but I've never really trusted mobile phones. *glares at it across the room*

For now though I really have more pressing concerns. That fine line is apparent again as in the morning I shall be off down to Sheffield for the wedding of my step-Aunt and my nerves are rather jumping about to a stupidly pointless degree. There's one or two bits I needs to get to into a bag but can't seem to get my thoughts to order themselves straight at the moment. And all the time I know just how utterly unnecessary all these unpleasant physical and mental sensations are but that doesn't stop my brain or stomach twisting about like a ball of snakes. Been a little on the sneezy and snuffly side today too but expect that's more nerves than any real virus. Oh my silly brain. Well hopefully I'll get down there ok and have a reasonable time once I do without getting too uncomfortable or afeared. I have a bit of work to go yet before I be reasonably competent at life yet it would seem.

Oh well, time now that I should scamper off I suppose and try and get the last of those preparations sorted. Wish me luck and hopefully I shall manage to have a decent time without too many unnecessary sensations in the way. Family wedding is, I suppose, one of those events designed to poke at my levers, big social gathering with family and strangers with expectations of dress and behaviour, at least as some part of my brain seems to like to imagine for itself. Still hopefully I shall have a good time and that side of the line wont cause me too much of a discomfort. Doubtless I'll be reporting back on how it went. In the meantime I hopes that everyone else will have themselves a pleasant weekend. See you after.

I'm Sure a Title for This Entry Will Come to Me At Some Point... Umm...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 01:55:11 GMT

The ironies are not lost on me. The reflections of the past in present events. Those currents of memory, loss and regret that undercut and add an extra texture to experience. Life is far from one straight line but like any properly written story is a multi-layered tapestry and with each passing day weave yet more subtle colours into the pattern. I wonder if, when we finally reach the end, it will actually resolve itself into a complete and coherent picture. Somehow I doubt it. All the best story endings tend to be in some way, unsatisfactory. Still I suppose that is because no story ever really ends as such though other's may come to take up the telling.

Well, anywho I be pretty sure I did have other things besides to add to the tale of my exploits over the weekend but today turned out to be exceptionally busy and those thoughts seem to have scampered off somewhere. Probably run away to hide in the place where my little lost idea of poems go when the world rudely interrupts and scares the timid little creatures off. Still, it was a very busy day indeed, not just many customers (in fact I can remember far more crowded days than this) but quite few large sales and we ended up taking over £500 in the till.

I also ended taking eight cans of beer home with me too on account of selling 40 heart buttons. These being pointless little heart-shaped things of material with sticky backs and are the latest things we have to sell a particular amount of. A while back we got told by our beloved area manager that he'd like to have said well done for us being about £700 over our targets but he couldn't because we hadn't sold enough stupid heart buttons that no one wants. Hmpf. So anyways, now we just cheat by putting certain things through the till as heart buttons when they're not. Pretty much every other shop cheats too though, I mean it's not as if anyone really wants these stupid things. Although, miracle of miracles of the 40 I put through the till today, 3 were actually real heart buttons! Anyways, we also get incentives to encourage us to sell the pointless things, hence the beer. I may have to slow down shortly though, before my fridge gets too full. It isn't after all like I tend to drink that much. :P

Oh well, perhaps it will be good to build up my alcohol tolerances a bit before I go down to Sheffield for my step-aunt's wedding? Anyways my travel arrangements are now all made and I got my train tickets through the post today as well so that's all good. Hopefully I shall be able to enjoy myself and not to be too overawed by the social pressures. Well I shall have a go. Still, another day at the shop to go through yet. Think this one will be any quieter than the last? Well at least it's not quite as bakingly warm as it has been. Oh yes, and just remembered on bit of news before I go, my score for my last OU assignment comparing Wordsworth and Shelley was 85%. Most pleased with that. Now hopefully after the wedding the world will allow my brain time to settle that it can get its head around 'The Color Purple' which forms a major part of my next assignment and catch and hold some deeper threads of meaning generally.

In the meanwhile, hopes everyone's tapestry is turning out reasonably at the moment. Happy weaving!

A Brief Review of a Busy Weekend

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 00:36:22 GMT

I've had me an active couple of days, seeing my big sister and playing with my not so little anymore nephew. Yesterday afternoon I squeezed my way through the milling throngs on the sun bleached streets of Whitby to meet big sister, brother-in-law and step-dad in town. Then we went back to the caravan where mum had been entertaining Rowan. He certainly has grown most impressively, though admittedly it's probably been about a year since I last saw him. Still he's quite the happy, walking, talking little handful it would seem! Aside from a small argument with the cat, which he will hopefully learn from, he seemed to have a great time. He and 'kickle' seemed to coexist peacfully for the time I was there. (The name of a neighbour's cat being 'Pickle' so all cats are currently 'Kickle'). He does have a most impressive knowledge of animals though, cows, mice and even polar bears and 'igers' which is any big cat other than a lion.

Today we got see to numerous animals as for his 2nd birthday we went on a trip to Flamingo Land. Mum was a little too ill to accompany us though, and I've been mildly hungover myself all day but managed the trip. Still, it's probably been about three months since I've had any alcohol. Anywho, the men still had fun playing on the swishy rides whilst we smaller and less adventurous type enjoyed seeing the animals. The sealion show was impressive, and baby meerkats ridiculously small and sweet. Rowan seemed to enjoy his birthday too, despite not always getting to go off in the direction he wanted, he was generally happy holding my hand and watching the baby ducks and the baboons push each other into the water. We were all very tired by the end of the day.

After a bit of a nap when we got back there was birthday cake for Rowan and later we had chinese takeaway. Om nom nom. Rowan entertained himself for the rest of evening with fun games of putting the ball through the catflap for me to retrieve and seeing how many toy cars he could fit inside my boots. Oh for the days when such things could keep one happy! Anyways, there was lots of other things and stuffs that went on but I'm far too wearied for writing in any kind of coherent fashion or for any more thinking generally. Perhaps more will appear later. For now, some rests before a hopefully nice and restful day at the shop tomorrow. Heh, any chance do you think?

These Be Puzzling Things

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 02:23:23 GMT

I wonder if anyone could explain, for instance, the peculiar vagaries of train ticket pricing? Why does it seem to be that a return from Scarborough to Sheffield costs more than getting a return from Scarborough to York plus another from York to Sheffield? This I come to discover to my mild annoyance after having already booked my tickets of course. It's not a huge amount but it's still odd. The only idea I can think of is that somehow it's more complicated booking one ticket that covers two different train companies than it might be for one each but that it still seems peculiar to me. Still I find the basic practice of existing to be something of a puzzle as it is so this little strangeness is really the least of my concerns.

Other people can be quite baffling in their views and priorities seemingly able to bother enough to complain that the stuff on my table doesn't look particularly attractive through the window whilst having two police raids on two other flats in the space of months seems to cause little concern at all. Smrrs. It really doesn't do my timidly nervous little soul very much good, more than happy as it is to excoriate itself at the smallest of opportunities. As it is though I'm still a very long way from particularly understanding myself either so I don't imagine I've got very much chance when it comes to other people. In the past few days my mood has shifted markedly through no particularly distinguishable rhyme or reason. While mostly it has been content to flitter around such self-hating despair occaisionally it has seen fit to raise cast its perspective above that gloomy prism, seemingly at random moments though not for any great periods of time sadly. Yet at times it does which leads to the further puzzle that if I can see the clearer picture why of late I can't much seem to act on it. A good deal recently I have found myself sitting and thinking of what I could do, with nothing obvious to stop me, and yet I haven't been scampering off to do any of these goodly things. Well, hopefully I'll find some ways to resolve these puzzles sometime soon. It's really rather tiresome right now.

Hmpf, well anyways, stuff. I should have things to do tomorrow. My big sister and her little family are coming up to visit so I should get to scamper over and see how much my nephew has grown. There's a plan afoot for Monday for a day out at Flamingo Land too where the men can go on the scary rides and the women, small children and wolves can potter about and look at the animals. Certain parts of me look forward to this opportunity for play whilst other parts, largely reawoken by recent tiresomenesses, recoil in terror. Well my horoscope did tell me that plans that I didn't really want to make would turn out more enjoyably than I might expect so hopefully it will be good stuffs. Then again it also told me quite specifically I would have a unexpected visitor tonight sometime after 4pm and nothing like that happened. Well we shall see I suppose. Also need to talk about all those fun travel arrangements too.

So much stuffs to do and see and arrange and my brain not seeming to really be functioning at peak operating efficiency at the moment. Excessively warm weather isn't helping much either; migraine inducing sun and cloying nighttime humidity. Still, I can but hope I get the hang of existing at some point soon. I'm not particularly liking stuffs at the moment and really wouldn't like to have very much more of this sort of thing. Anywho, I suppose it's about time to bring my narcissistic whinings to a close for now so, err, is it can be hugs time now plees?! In the dream world where I'd like to live it is such warmth that would make sense of all these alienating puzzles.

Bright Star, would I were steadfast as thou art...

Like a Tapestry and Some Angry Kittens

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:55:02 GMT

It's interesting the difference a slight movement of furniture can make. Opening up new angles and perspectives on old objects. Still this small change is nothing compared to overall reshaping planned for my little flat which has now inched a minute step closer. I finally got a phonecall this evening from my landlady to let me know that the man would be coming round tomorrow to take measurements for the required alterations, that is the moving of the toilet and the addition of a door at the point where the two room of my flat are but separated by a bit of wall. Heh, assuming these planned alterations are technically possible and there's enough space to fit a door beneath the stairs that run up to the next floor between my two rooms, then I may yet at somepoint find myself with a fully self-contained little flat on my hands.

Anyways, the phonescall was cue for much shifting of stuff that I had stored away in that corner of my room, and shifting of furniture including a chair, sofa and bookcase. Moving these things also had a certain domino affect that caused me to have to move certain other things too. So my little flat is currently in a somewhat haphazard state of disarray though I shall have to ponder how best to put things back considering the new shape my flat is going to take on. It's times like these you realise you actually have rather more stuff than you realised. Mostly books but also a certain quantity of music, a few DVDs and err, misc. Some stuffs I thinks I can donate down at the charity shop but, being the insecure hoarding type, most of it is to be held on to.

My efforts at moving things weren't much aided by a later phonecall from my Dad regarding plans for my travels down to Sheffield amongst other things. Those plans do be more or less in hand though I'm less sure about how I'll manage working out the trip to France planned for August. I find myself also wondering how these works upon my flat are going to impact my studies. It's a while yet before my next assignment has to be done but the books involved, like 'The Colour Purple' aren't really works I'm that familiar with so I'll need to do some proper reading before I tackle the topic of how female alienation is expressed in that and one other work. In truth right now I rather feel like I've got just a little bit too much all going on at once. My energy levels are not at their greatest and my will to exist wanes somewhat, meanwhile my background nerves increase with the worry that one thing going wrong will cause to be fall behind on others leading, as it has done before, to the whole thing to unravel. Like a tapestry and some angry kittens.

Still I suppose there be not much I can do to keep on going as best I can and try to do all that needs doing. Today was at least relatively calm at the shop with the small achievement of signing up a new person to gift aid and the bright spot of getting to play with a dog. Muffin, previously one of our best (and certainly most loyal!) customers had been away recently for an operation so it was good to see the fluffy-pawed animal return to have his belly rubbed. Generally though I find myself something of a wearied creature at the moment with all this stuff going on, and more that I haven't mentioned. Still, I shall do my best to survive and hopefully some good stuffs may yet come along too. I had a couple of curious dreams last night and my weekly horoscope on Teletext forecasts great new romances ahead so who can say?! Well, sardonic chuckling aside, nice things would still be nice. In the meantime I struggle onwards hoping eventually to weave some kind of picture in my tapestry whilst trying to keep it safe from the pointy claws of those kittens!

I do hopes that the world be treating everyone else with due respect and kindness and that you be doing good things with the ingredients it brings your way. Luffs and good fortunes.

See, This is Why I Don't Plan Ahead Much

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 02:18:16 GMT

Ok Fate, I don't like you and you don't like me, but could you not at least be just a little bit more organised?! I mean, I had this nice weekend planned with me and my kitty but then parents decided they were going to come back from their travels. Ok, fair enough, a bit of a disappointment. Still, I arranged me a plan to go visit both the humans and the cat tomorrow which would hopefully have been pleasant. Meanwhile I thought on Monday I would finally be able to go see my friend (I know, I have a friend, amazing huh?!). Heh, ironically my friend and I have been months trying to work out some day to see each other, but little things have kept intervening. So anyways, today I gets a phonecall from my landlady that the man who was going to be doing the alterations on my flat which were planned at the end of last year was now going to be coming to do measuring and things. Now? Well, not quite now, probably Monday, but she wasn't quite sure. Oh good, so now I have to wait for her to phone again to find out when he's actually coming. Joy.

Heh, I'd thought by now they'd forgotten about their plans to join the two separate rooms of my flat together. I mean it was proposed towards the end of last year, then put on hold as Christams came upon us, and now it's June and I hadn't heard anything about it since. Then suddenly in a weekend where I had been going to do things, it's all on again. Fun, fun, fun. Heh, well hopefully all this will be worthwhile in the end, though having to make a little trip down the hall every so often is a small price to pay if the world will leave me alone. Not sure if having my two little rooms turned into one self-contained flat might have implications for council tax too. Hm, well we'll see. You never know, mayhap finally having my own properly little self-contained unit will have a positive affect on my self-confidence and sense of security. Here's hoping anyways. The aggravation is hardly worth the mild convenience alone. Not, I realise, that I'm particularly worthy or deserving to being complaining so much, but I just feels a bit grumpysticks at the moment.

Well anyways, I suppose I really ought to be getting my head around plans for later in the month too. Arranging train tickets down to Sheffield for my step-aunt's wedding and things. It's been in my thoughts but yet to be entirely nailed down. also need to get round to getting my paws on the necessary books for my next unit of university studies. I'm usually very good at thinking about things a lot and not actually doing anything, though recently I've been noticing the habit particularly. And thinking about the habit a lot though not actually doing anything about it. Heh. Being a vaguely intelligent creature, I ought to be better at life. But I'm not. Well, hopefully I'll get the hang of it one day but it would be nice if the world would cooperate in my efforts just a little bit more. Smrrs.

Oh well, to end on a somewhat unrelated note, I did at least get to lighten my spirits a little by watching Bill Bailey on TV tonight. Still, I did find there was something a little bit off-putting about Bill Bailey being at Wembley. Funny as it was, it was all a bit too big and seemed to lose a lot of the warmth that makes his shows so charming and connects him to audience. Still was funny though. Oh and it should have rained today too. I was promised rain. Much rain yesterday so why couldn't it have rained today? There was plenty of grey cloud around. They say tomorrow will rain but I'll wait and see on that. I mean if the world can't do magical then it should at least go to the effort of making the gloom pretty. Well, that's what I think anyways... *shambles off muttering unintelligbly*

Caturday is Cancelled

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 01:10:05 GMT

Hm, well that be mildly disappointed. It seems that the humans have decided to return from their trip a little earlier than I had been planning for. So, sadly, I wont be able to enjoy the relaxing weekend with the cat beast I had hoped for. I'd been rather looking forward to some quality time on my own with animal after all my efforts of this week. Ho-hum. I could still perhaps go pay kitty a visit of course but it's not really the same proposition. Still, I suppose now I shall have to ponder some other thing to be doing with my weekend. Hopefully I shall yet be able to come up with something useful. We shall see. Oh, and yes it's nice to see humans of course, I was just selfishly hoping for some nice relaxing alone time this weekend. I can still have that I suppose, just not in quite so attractive surroundings, nor with a friendly cat beast.

There wasn't much else particularly exciting today. Besides the excitements of my appointment at the job centre and shambling off to, somewhat unenthusiastically, make my little contribution to the democratic process. Since these days voting has largely come a process of trying to decipher who might be the least evil option it's difficult to really take any great heart when casting my ballot. Still, I can be reasonably confident that my chosen candidate really doesn't have that much hope of winning very much, even with PR, but you never know perhaps I may have contributed a little ways towards making the county and the continent a slightly, err, less badly run place?

As it is though I fear I find myself feeling just a little dispirited with the world and myself at the moment. Still in an effort to bring some small degree of endearing qualities to my world there has been one story that has brought a small smile. Gay penguins! And they've adopted their own little chick! Aww, yay! Hee, I can only wonder what all those who went on about March of the Penguins being an example of God's design for life and relationships and such. Well I don't suppose it's going to change the world any, but still it's heartening to see the diversity in nature, along with cute, fuzzy animal pictures too. Penguin Pride! Hee.

Well there do be some fluffiness and sparkliness in this world. Hopefully I shall yet at some point work out my ways to hanging on to some little bit of it. In the meantime hopefully tomorrow shall be a reasonably calm day at the shop. And it is supposed to rain this weekend, so mayhap that shall refresh things a little.

This Be What More People Holidaying at Home Means?

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 01:25:50 GMT

When I took over from John on the till at the shop today he said that it had been a quiet morning. Well it certainly wasn't a quiet afternoon! Erk, so many peoples squished into my little shop! Not really my most favourite of situations really. I was glad for my little counter allowing me some small to breathe in. And, seriously guys, can you not manage a little bit of waiting, it's just little me down here and I'm trying to finish off the book rotation too. To be fair most peoples are very nice and reasonable, just the less reasonable ones tend to stand out. At least I did manage to get the book rotation finished though, the shelves looked quite pretty when I left, and we sold things. So that's good. My little brain was feeling rather depleted by the end of it all though.

Anyways, after my time at the shop I wandered over to tend to the kittykat. It was nice to be able to spend a little time with the animal after the day, hopefully this weekend I shall get to spend some properly rejuvenating quality time with kitty. Still, there's a few things to be done before then though. Tomorrow I has a fun appointment at the jobcentre to entertain me. Then there's certain other things I hope to be able to persuade my brain to get done, preparations for future travellings amongst other things. Doing things as well as thinking about thing is a trick I should rather like to have a greater mastery of. Then of course I shall have myself another day at the shop, hopefully not quite so hectic as today has been.

At least the weather has started to get cooler, particularly in the wind, which is quite welcoming. We even had the very briefest of rain showers today. Long enough though for someone to buy an umbrella from us. Naturally the rain stopped seconds later. Still, it's supposed to get more showery as we head towards the weekend so mayhap they shall yet find their purchase to have been a useful one. I shall be quite glad of any rain that comes. Right now I have something a wish to be standing out in a rain shower and feeling it run down my skin. Well maybe at the weekend. Be nice if I could persuade my brain into some more effective degreee of functionality for the period too, but who knows if I'll even have any will left by then. Ah well, someday yet I shall mayhap be a real wolf. In the meantime, at least I has a quiet weekend with a kitty to look forward to. I hopes.

Stuff & Nonsense

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:37:17 GMT

Hm, I feel a desire to write something yet I'm unsure what that something should be and my brain isn't being particularly helpful in coming up with words for me. So I'll let my fingers play on the keys and see what happens, probably not much different from my usual ramblings I imagine. Right so, stuff. Well in good news I have written and submitted my latest Open University essay. It was rather enjoyable really, the poetry of Wordsworth and Shelley be goodly and inspiring things! Which makes me wonder, on a side note, why I so often find myself not doing these things I know I enjoy, like the reading. But anyways, essay is written and we shall see what marks it returns with. I think I did the best I could, had to do a fair bit of editing to get into the word limit, but I think I got a suitable number of points across. Indeed I almost actually felt like understood things with this essay! Heh, but that's Shelley for you I suppose.

Anywho, mother and step-dad have gone aways for a little while again so I'm on cat tending duties. I had a brief visit to see the animal on Monday and I shall be scampering over there again tomorrow. If things work out I should hopefully be able to have myself a pleasant little weekend with the beast over at the caravan. First though I have exciting jobcentre appointments and other things to get through this week. Hm, I believe there might also be some kind of election coming up too. I've heard rumours. Still, at least it's supposed to get a bit cooler now. The warm has rather been threatening to edge beyond my tolerance levels. The town still seems to be fairly full of visitors though, even with the end of half-term, and the shop was quite busy today. A few too many people, and a little too much warm for my fragile little brain still, yet mayhap I shall get it to work to, what I would regard, as satisfactory levels.

At least though I retain certain talents. Spelling for instance. I keep wondering whether anyone ought to tell the new owners of the sandwich shop across the road that there is actually only one 'h' in the word sandwich. Still I suppose it has a certain homely charm about it, and of course it might be a cunning ploy to lure people in and then pounce on them and sell them a 'sandwhich'. Like Arkwright. Also across the road from the shop, I noticed another thing to make me smile today. The greengrocer has adverts for local services in his window including one offering various kinds of alternative healing therapies. Along with the usual, massage, chiropracty, reiki and something I couldn't pronounce is 'Thetan DNA Healing'. Intrigued, I did some little internet research and am pleased to say that however mad I may be, I am at least not quite that mad!

If you're amused by pseudo-scientific gibberish then http://www.theta-dna-healing.net/ was probably the most ridiculous site I read, the section explaining the concept of 'Muscle Testing' being particularly silly. I does though start to get a little scary when you consider they are actually suggesting this as a serious treatment for diseases like cancer. I'm reminded of the recent case in the US of the mother and son who ran away to escape chemotherapy. Nowhere in any of the websites I tried did I find any suggestion to get in touch with you local qualified healthcare professional if you had something seriously wrong with you. It's hilariously ridiculous reading but also troubling what such claims can lead to.

Hm, well, I think I've run out of things to ramble on about for the time being. So, err, well I hopes you didn't find it entirely pointless. The effort to make myself into some kind of reasonably functioning creature goes on, still whilst I my own little self may have certain cracks and flaws, there are it seems far stupider things than me in this world. Hopes everyone else is well and all your vibrations are at there best! Or something.

Too Warm to be Rational

Sun, 31 May 2009 02:00:09 GMT

My brittle little brain doesn't seem to have really been too efficient at adapting to recent changes in conditions. There has been rather too much warm and a few too many humans about the place for my liking these past days. Thursday was a little odd too trying to work out what to do with this extra day that had been afforded me by dint of not going to the library any more. Sadly I can't really say I've been able to make anything greatly productive out of this extra time so far. Indeed I do find myself rather missing my days arranging the books, cutting out smiling flowers for the children to colour in at story time and the endless photocopying. For various reasons, going out and doing things has never really been my greatest skill and a little structure to my environment be a useful thing.

Still despite the excessive sunshine doing its best to turn my brain into an aching goo this weekend I've been doing what I can to achieve a certain degree of structure for myself. The good news at least is that I've managed to piece together a rough draft for my latest university assignment and have it stored away in my brain for final scribbling tomorrow. It's a subject that I already know a little something about so hopefully I'll manage to put together a decent little essay. I'm about as confident as I possibly could be, not that confidence is a skill that comes particularly naturally to me either! Strangely though, my marks keep coming back ok, so I must be understanding something correctly. It seems unlikely that I'd be able to randomly get the right words into a reasonably suitable order that many times in succession. Even so, I find I never really feel I have any great insight or understanding, the sense of a secure grasp of the principles eludes me. I find it easier to believe all I have any serious grasp of is of the academic conventions of essay writing, despite the evidence that comes back to me. Silly irrational brain.

Just another little affect of the general anxiety, neurosis, existential angst or whatever you might what to call it that generally characterises my existence. Whilst logically I may see perfectly well the sense or silliness of a particular action or inaction, the feelings inspired often seem to stubbornly refuse to chime with the physical evidence and apparent facts of the matter. So things that I know I should do, or even want to do, are not done and when actions do have their Newtonian reactions it can come as something of a perplexing surprise. Well, the Existentialists did say that humans were not purely rational creatures and reality depended upon meaning, still I would rather like me to make just a little bit more sense, at least in terms of my own meanings. Wonder if I'll ever get the hang of existing.

Hm, well I'm pretty sure I had something of a more fluent and insightful hold upon these concepts earlier in the day, still I guess they got a bit a pushed aside by ponderings on Wordsworth and Shelley. And speaking of which I do have me an essay to write tomorrow and then a kittykat to go and feed the day after so I suppose I ought to be scampering off now. I hopes everyone be enjoying the warm and bright sunshiney weekend a little more than my migraine prone brain. Not been too bad today though, the cooling breeze is cooling. Hopefully I shall be perky enough for the tasks ahead and from there, who knows what the universe may yet have in store for little me?

Chaos Engine

Wed, 27 May 2009 00:39:17 GMT

The worst dreams aren't always necessarily the ones with the misshapen monsters lurking in the shadows. They can be of relatively good things, things you may have wished for, yet which you know could never happen in the real world. Hm. Anyways, it's been a bit of a curious day all round. Organisation and communications at the shop generally tending towards the mildly chaotic, though I was thinking I was doing an afternoon today it seems other's had expected me to be doing a morning. One of our number traditionally goes away at this time of year and so I'd been told that I'd be moving from my usual Tuesday morning (as I usually do at this juncture) to the afternoon. However the person who was going to be doing the morning has gone too it seems. So apparently they'd had the fun of rushing to get someone in for the morning, and ended up with two of us in the afternoon! Ah well, all was sorted out eventually and no real harm was done. And I'm definitely now doing afternoons!

Still, since I was a something of an extra person today I did at least provide me with more of an opportunity to give my full attention to the books. Our stocks are rather low right now, unless you happen to be after a copy of The Da Vinci Code of which we currently have fourteen! And, working alongside Brigid, who usually comes in on Tuesday afternoons to do a full book rotation (i.e. replace the ones that have been on the shelf for too long with newer ones) we got quite a bit done, despite the lack of stocks. We did uncover quite a few nice looking childrens books in time for half term though with was useful. Should make my efforts of shelf maintenance during the week a good deal easier, which is also useful, as judging by how busy today was, I'll be on the till for a lot more of the time than I'll be able to spend keeping things organised! Though more peoples does leave things getting disorganised more quickly. Most people aren't really too fussed in putting things back in the place where they came from. Still, for the moment at least, all the shelves (including CDs, DVDs and videos that I also got to play with) are in as good an order as they could be, which I always find nerdishly satisfying. We'll be having a delivery of more books from Harrogate on Friday. Until then, I'll have to improvise. Ah the delightful engine of chaos.

Making my way back to my flat at the end of the day proved a curious experience too as it was that point it decided to have a merry little rain shower with fun bits of hail included. Naturally of course by the time I had got in and put my shopping away, it was bright and sunny again outside the window. Even the weather it seems has but a short attention span these days. Then for the rest of the evening I decided to have a migraine so settled down to engage in a game of cat and mouse with it and tasty painkillers. Currently it just be sitting relatively quietly in the corner of my skull, throbbing quietly to itself. Hopefully it will be kind enough to let me sleep, it's making me feel rather drained and tired enough anyways, and I didn't really get very much last night. Well I suppose the time has just about come for me to scamper off and find out. Me hopes the world is behaving itself reasonably with everyone else and hopefully, tomorrow might be a slightly more sensible day. Or if not, be different in a really interesting way. Like these little visual distortions I get with my migraine, proper hallucinations would be so much more fun! Oh well, sadly that has ever been my nature, wishful to try these things out yet too timid to go the whole way. Blah. Still, for now, goodnights.

Existential Angst and the Tourism Industry

Mon, 25 May 2009 02:26:14 GMT

Another bank holiday weekend, but haven't we only just had a bunch of these? It's as if somehow they all got together in order to form some kind of pressure group or something. Still, since I'm no longer at the library this one holds somewhat less significance for me as an event. Not so though for thronging masses that have been filling up the narrow streets of the town over the past few days. Shambling in amongst them is something of a contrary experience, there's the part of me that's pleased to see an interesting variety of peoples about the place and then there's the part that is less fond of crowds and also the part that would like to be able to where I'm going without having to weave between the slow moving tourists. Well, as long as they spend things, they can be tolerated. Hee. Speaking of which I imagine it should be a fairly busy next few days at the shop, what with it being half-term and all. If current numbers are anything to go by, and with the current economic climate and predictions of a warm and dry summer climate, then it may well indeed be a particularly busy holiday season coming up.

As far as I could tell though none of the people I found myself shuffling slowly behind as I went in search of a weekend newspaper seemed to be, as I was, pondering the overwhelming perplexities and generally ineffable nature of their own existence. I may have been mistaken on that though. Still, finding myself amongst crowds does also somewhat increase my own natural tendency towards self-consciousness and such introspective ponderings. So many people, getting on with things and seemingly entirely at home within their own skin. The dichotomy between mind and body not seeming to bother them very much at all. Still the sense of my self looking out from behind my eyes is quite distinct. The intangible link between thought and action remaining rather uncertain, hence not having taken the recycling to the recycling place, amongst other things, despite wanting to and nothing stopping me. I have read about life in books and can understand it and ought to know how it is done and yet somehow mine still doesn't conme out looking like the pictures. Such as I would like to imagine anyways, it makes my anxieties seem far less tiresomely banal when viewed in such terms.

Anyways, tomorrow I have a whole other day in which to think too much and not get anything practical done. Go me! Ah well, I shall get the hang of stuff one of these days and things aren't too terrible in the immediate, if I would always prefer to be better at being me, I've known things be worse. I expects I'll be having quite an active week at the shop ahead of me and the little sebaceous cyst in my ear has diminished in size quite considerably. I find myself vaguely feeling that something curious may be about to occur, but as yet it hasn't and I'm rather doubtful anything like that will. That curious sense refuses to dissipate though and so is lightly frustrating. All this the price for thinking too much perhaps. In the words of one fictional psychopath "fear is the price we pay for our instrument" but that was about as pointless a remake as these ramblings of mine are becoming.

So onwards I amble towards wherever it is I'm going, hopefully somewhere nice, preferable without too many slow moving tourists getting in the way. Yes, well it's not exactly a perfect metaphor but for this hour of the morning it will do. Hopes everyone else be travelling smoothly without any awkward blockages to their passage. Slow moving tourists, leaves on the line, wrong kind of snow, that sort of thing. Be seeing you.