It generally takes my brain a fair while to get up to speed after I've woken up. So I was quite alarmed today on waking and looking at my watch and seeing it was already five past one! Eeps! Late for everything! So in a fearful daze I hurried to get dressed and throw some water over myself, make myself look vaguely humanoid before scampering to the shop. It was however on putting on my watch, and looking at it the right way round, that I came to the slow realisation that it was in fact only twenty-five to eight! Heh, silly wolfy. All that rush and nervousness for no good reason. Maybe I ought to get myself a proper clock for my bedside, or at least a watch with numbers so you can tell which way up it's supposed to be?!

Ah well, after that somewhat flustered start, my day at the shop went reasonably ok. My parents stopped by for a short visit, mother is coming to the flat tomorrow to have another go at booking their balloon flight for ten millionth time. Though if they couldn't get a flight that actually went up through the past two Summer's it seems hardly likely they're going to get one now. Still, they have to keep booking so it doesn't expire. Heh, my brother and sister and I got mother those vouchers for her 60th birthday and in about a month's time she'll be 62! I have seen these strange objects in the sky before though so there must be something in the legends! Heh, well hopefully someday they'll manage to get a booking on a flight that actually takes off.

In the meantime, since my discovery that Blizzard were putting things together for Diablo III I've been wasting some of my time reacquainting myself with Diablo II: Lord of Destruction. It's actually still quite enjoyable, even with knowing the whole storyline backwards having been through the game with all the various character classes several times before. Still in the past couple of day my druid and his band of barky wolves have driven the demoness Andariel back to hell and defeated Duriel the giant bug demon thing and are at this moment preparing to venture forth into the jungles of Kurast to try and prevent Diablo and Baal from uniting with their brother Mephisto. They'll fail in that of course, but will at least manage to destroy Mephisto before tracking Diablo through the burning hells themselves before finally confronting and destroying him. From their though they shall have to face Baal's mighty army though I foresee a confrontation atop of lofty Mount Arreat where Baal will finally be destroyed, though not before corrupting the sacred worldstone. Maybe. Heh. Ah fantasy action roleplay stuff is quite fun really. I do hope my little machine may just be able to run Diablo III whenever it gets released.

In the meantime though I have somewhat more immediate and pressing concerns as today I got letter from the DWP (or at least the medical group in their employ) informing me that I needed to arrange an appointment for a medical assessment of my condition. Smrrs. Really not something I'm looking forward to but it has to be done. Truth be told I'm not entirely sure of what my condition is right now. I do still have my depressive periods and irrational degrees of anxiety with accompanying unpleasant physical symptoms, though not as much as I did. Of course I'm now living on my own so my nerves are less constantly tested and methinks I'm growing slowly. Still there have been those times before where I have tried to jump back to early into the heady whirl of life and been knocked back again and I certainly don't want to have to go through any of that again! On the other hand perhaps a certain little push to get me to take more steps forward would be good for me? With my reactions as they are now I remain unsure though, I'm not yet fully confident in my own confidence to be sure I could do it and would I think rather keep making these small steps as I have been in my own way and at my own pace. Though perhaps I am not really the best placed to properly evaluate my own self. Of course we all have our worries and our doubts, but does everyone else feel it this much? I've no idea what it really is that passes for normal, to a degree I've always been this way and mayhap to a degree always will be, but I should hate to have to go through life with quite so washed in unpleasant feelings as these. Yet maybe a bit of a push would do me some good?

I would really despair if it were to come to the point of destroying all the progress I had made so far. Then me being happy isn't really what they are particuarly interested in. I would appreciate some kind of push, a helpfully supportive mentor type who can hold my paw and guide me a bit along the way. I've never really had such a figure in my life before and I doubt I'm really going to get one any time soon. The Professionals don't have the time it takes for that kind of a service and my family aren't really that kind either (as I suppose nor am I). Heh, if I were ever to find someone so nice as that as the trouble is I would loath to be such a burden on them and wouldn't think myself worthy or deserving to ask for such aid. *sighs* It would be nice to have someone to help me reduce my fears yet I would need to reduce my fears in order to ask them! Oh well, I can but make my appointment and see what happens. Whilst I would like a little more time to work on myself perhaps it would not be such an egregiously terrible thing to be thrust out into life once more as I am now. Still, the world will doubtless do with me as it will, much as it has always done since I have not had the strength of will to alter it, and I will do as best I can to try and keep my head above the water.

Not Waving But Drowning

- Stevie Smith

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.