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In the Lingering Grips of Winter

Spring equinox or no, the winter still seems to be doing its best to cling on by its icy white fingertips. The last couple of days have even seen some little attempts at snow down here at sea level so I imagines it could well be looking a lot whiter in other parts. My own feverish cold thing at least does seem to have departed but this past week I seems to have been a somewhat discombobulated, wearied beast hence this entry has taken me rather longer to type than had initially been my ambition and now I can't much seem to remember any great detail of the stuffs the world has entertained me with lately. As I recall though, the weekend I ended up back once more at the caravan if it hadn't been altogether part of my plan and it wasn't perhaps the world of quiet tranquilities I might have altogether hoped for, it was still largely nice to spend time with the humans and the kitty beast. Meanwhile Sunday at the shop proved fairly underwhelming, at least I think it did since I can't seem to remember a great deal about what happened. At the moment though my major business at the shop revolves around a newly reshaped book department. Whereas we previously had non-fictions on the left and fiction on the right, since the big cheese was most impressed by book sales when he visited some weeks ago, it was decreed that the books should be moved to take pride of place on display along the back wall to attract the eye of passing humans. So now it is we has a big display of shiny biographies along the back wall whilst a slightly reduced space of non-fiction sits to the left (some of that space now taken by film and music which had previously occupied the back wall). General fictions remain along the right wall but with a slightly reduced space too as the romance books on the end now have an extra metre of shelving after we lost the little spinning stand thing that had stood up front in the window. Quite what difference this will make to sales remains to be seen, but it shall be interesting to see what direction my little graph goes in when I updates it on Sunday. As yet I'm not altogether convinced as to the benefits of this new layout. The fiction does look just a little bit cramped in its smaller space, and that was the thing we sold much more of than any other. However that did also have more space than any other section so maybe increased non-fiction sales will compensates. Hard to say really. I don't wants to leap judgements as yet just because I'm not entirely used to working with the new system either so will yet see how it goes. Mayhap it will make keeping up with rotation a little easier with these smaller sections but I fear there may now also be less space to get out the pretty. At least when it comes to the fiction anyways. Still, we shall see I suppose whether sales from our shiny new biographical display can compensate from any reductions in the sale of other stuffs. I know, thrilling isn't it?

I can't say I particularly expect sales in general to be particularly high this week since it seems to have been all sorts of quiet in the shop lately. Indeed, I spent a good part of Wednesday padding round a shop that was entirely empty. I suppose the excess of cold in the weather may have something to do with that although it hasn't seemed so bad really so is a little surprised to see it quite so quiet. Having been a somewhat wearied wolf however perhaps I shouldn't be complaining too vigourously about such things. Still, it leaves me to ponder just how busy or not things might yet turn out to be when we gets to the Easter holidays but I suppose if peoples have booked holidays they are damn well going to enjoy themeselves however hard the wind might be blowing! And of course there will be greater demand for books if the outdoors aren't all that enjoyable to be spending an extended amount of time in. Well we can only wait and sees on that I suppose. One thing that doesn't have to be waited on anymore though be at the Coliseum where unfortunately it seems we haven't managed to secure the funding to provide our computer lessons free for another year. We do await official feedbacks on quite what score we missed out on the grant. During a phonecall it was suggested that we may have lost out on our performance record but, umm, how can we perform if we don't has any funding to allow us to do so? Hm, well we has sent messages to those humans who we had provisionally signed up to the course, which could still go ahead, but they would now have to pay for the privilege of being shown how to operate their machines. Whether paying £5 for the privilege of an hour and a half in my instructional company be something I shall leave others to decide! Still, it is something a disappointment but we shall yet see what might yet be arranged. Otherwise, this week at the Coliseum has involved the entertaining task of postercraft, putting together a large (2x4 sheets of A3 paper) poster to advertise our forthcoming comedy gig with Messers Patrick Monahan and Ray Bradshaw who apparently have been on TV everything. Or one of them has at least. By and large though, cutting and sticking doesn't tend to come particularly naturally to a little wolfy, and the measurements for the board outside didn't turn out to be precisely accurate, but whilst the results may have been somewhat makeshift they seem to do the job so hopefully we'll be delightling the public with all sorts of humourous shenanigans in due course. We're also due to be visited by some other names who you're sure you've sort of heard of but can't quite place, you know, the guy off that thing, in due course so fun keeps coming one way or another!

By and large though, the major characteristic of my world at present seems to be one of a certain and uncertainty brought about by not hearing from people. Since the double glazing folk seemed to turn up a while back before mysteriously disppearing I have kept expecting to get me a new message about them any day, but as yet none has been forthcoming. It is a similar story as regards my fairy job folk in Scarborough. Having mistakenly forgotten to go to my appointment before last, and then having my last appointment cancelled due to sickness, I have since not heard any word from these peoples as to when I should expect to return. It's nearly been two weeks now, the amount of time that usually passes between appointments, and I'm not yet entirely certain quite what I should do. I replied to an email I was sent a little while back asking what they had in mind for me, but so far I has not heard anything. Not sure if they've sent me a letter or something and I just haven't received it, or they may simply have forgotten about me. It wouldn't be the first time either thing might have happened. Previously I was entirely forgotten about for a good period of months by a different fairy job company, though for all their scary, these folks have struck me as somewhat more serious about their affairs than the previous lot. Whatever the cause might be, I've not heard from them, and whilst I worry about it rather I'm not also naturally predisposed to go chasing them up about it either. Partly of course because my anxieties generally make it seem like a bad idea to stick my head in a lion's mouth as my brain tends to make me feel about these things, but then I'm not at all sure anything they might do with me would be all that worthwhile in any case. Although someone waving a stick at my head could help to some degree, some more positive motivations would be helpful too. There was a brief hint from them that they might just have some sort of original idea to helps me but for now it all seems to have disappeared. Ah well, I shall wait and see what might become of it. I yet has various other things to be thinking about the moment. In these times of austerity through which be living I now has to work out some means of paying the new taxes that it has now been decided the likes of me will be liable for so I shall have to work out some suitable means of managing that if I can. So it's all fun, nervous and confusing stuff really but when it comes down it I don't suppose that's any much different to way my brains tend to find the world the rest of the time anyways. Hopefully something reasonably tolerable may be managed.

Assuming though that I do live for any greater length of time there at least some pleasantly pleasant things for me to look forward to. The latest update to the world of Guild Wars 2 is now less than a week aways so I can look ahead to the continuation of my characters story. So hopefully there may yet prove to be something pretty on the horizon:

 photo GuildWars2SomethingPrettyontheHorizon_zps7f1d27a9.jpg

What it might be though, I couldn't really say but hopefully the mystery will turn out to be something positive. Meanwhile I gots Sandy Claws being rather more attentive by the large drop that actually lies just ahead. Heh, doubtless there's some sort of subtle metaphor available there somewhere but my brains aren't quite lively enough to be deftly subtle at the moment! Either ways, hopefully there are good things ahead, if there's a little distance yet before I gets there. Hopefully too at the end of April I should has me a visit from my goodly longest standing friend from the States, with whom I managed to have an enjoyable time with last year and hopefully will be able to manage again. There's a goth weekend not too far ahead either which hopefully I may be able to survive, if big brother is apparently not coming up for this one. So yes, stuff and things. Presently though there seems to be much which is up in the air and I can't really get the most precise of fixes on just what I feels about the state of my world at the moment, whether that's despondently miserable or despairingly dreadful, it's just too difficult to tell! Still, what can I do but shamble on I suppose and see what the end of this week may yet have in store. Hopefully things should come to make a little more reasonable sense in due course and I'll have a bit more of a fix on the direction of travel. And maybe Spring will actually arrive at somepoint too! So I suppose there are indeed pleasant possibilities in amongst the mess of the moment and I can but try to try my best to work something good out of it all. In the meanwhile I hopes all you good folks out there yet feel like you be all travelling in the right direction. I adds as much sparkle and fluffy good wishes I can to the communal stockpile which you may all use for whatever use you sees fit and will return for hopefully somewhat more coherent stories in the not too distant future. Bye for now my good peoples.

Fever and Cold

Just when you thinks that the Fates had run out of surprises you ends up with a week like this! Not that the weekend went entirely as had been expected either. My somewhat ambivalent mood of the time though was perhaps sadly predictable as I prepared myself for a quiet weekend end away, taking care of the kitty beast whilst the humans were away down in Sheffield, and trying not to get too unpleasantly anxious about the prospect of my forthcoming appointment in Scarborough on Monday. Having accidentally missed the last one, the uncertainty as to quite how this one might go seemed to lend an extra edge of potential fearfulness for my imagination to make hay with. So it was I spent my time at the shop as best I could, herding the odd book and trying not to feel too much like everything and anything I could possibly do would turn out to be wrong regardless of what it might be or with what good intentions it was undertaken. I was then immediately disgruntled by somehow managing to spend a few pounds more than I had been intending when it came to acquiring suitable treats to entertain myself and the moggy with whilst I enjoying the peace and tranquility of the countryside. So I wasn't feeling altogether the perkiest creature as I shuffled through the rainy rains to be greeted by the meowy cat beast and it took me a little while to settle in for the evening. Eventually I did manage to do so however and the animal and I actually managed to have a reasonably restful evening, sitting and watching nonsensical horror film 'Lair of the White Worm' featuring amusing turns from Hugh Grant and Peter Capaldi before they came a tedious English fop and gratuitously grumpy Scotsman respectively along with with a good deal of silly nudity and unrealistic gory prosthetics. The next day however turned out to go a little unexpectedly as I found myself a slightly sneezy and fuzzy beast on waking. Quite whether the virus was something I had picked up in my walks through the rain, had been brought in by kitty or picked up in the caravan I don't know but either ways I found myself I mildly dizzy creature. Meanwhile, my time alone was also cut a little shorter than expected as the humans decided they wanted to return a little early than planned from Sheffield in order to avoid the forecast snows. So it was I shuffled back to my little flat after a weekend that was interesting, if not quite as I had anticipated, but little knowing that the seeds for an even more unusual start to the week had already been sown. Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnnn!

Erm, yes. Anyways, back in my little flat, although the virus had yet to really exert itself I now seemingly had nothing between myself and the pointless scary that was my Scarborough appointment. I slept only intermittently as indeed I had the previous couple of nights too though I'm uncertain as to whether this was down to nerves or virus. Certainly in any case when I opened the front door on Monday morning my trembling heart was not particularly lifted by the sight of the big fluffy snowflakes falling from the sky. Still, I trudged my ways through the uncomfortable cold, rendered just somewhat more cutting by both the sensitivities of my mood and my temperature and stood at the bus stop and waited for the ship of the damned to arrive. It was though but a few minutes before the machine was due that I thought to get out my phone and send out some self-centred grump to post on Facebook on the subject of my general grumpiness that I saw that I had an unexpected message. Turns out the fairy job folk in Scarborough had three of their fairies off sick themselves and so things were a bit hectic at the office and perhaps I ought to choose not to be bringing my own additional disease to add to the mix. Well, of course, me being the thoroughly responsible creature that I be, I reluctantly chose to accede to this request and returned to my abode feeling decidedly strange about this sudden transformation in my circumstances. I did feel like a weight had been lifted and the snowy scenes around me suddenly appeared rather more picturesque than they had previously but a few seconds before! It was a relief, but on the other hand the fact I felt it as so much of a relief was also annoying in its own way. Really I do wish that all this stuff could just be some things that happen rather being laced with so much emotional turmoils but sadly such would seem the sort of creature I happen to be. Anyways, on getting home I was momentarily feeling rather bright and thinking I now had a whole morning to myself I wondered what I should do. It didn't take me particularly long though to come to the conclusion I was exhausted, somewhat feverish and my brains were altogether far too much of a tangled mush to think of any particularly useful thing I should be doing! All I could think to do was go have a bit of a lie down for a while and rests until I yet had to go and scuttle off through the cold once again but this time to the Whitby jobcentre and my appointment there, but at least now I didn't have any worries of being made late for it. Still, fuzzy and squashed as I was I was also somewhat reassured, having been previously been so fearful as to what the consequences of missing an appointment by own actions might be, to miss one because of something else made me feel rather better about that. Meanwhile I await to see when my next appointment might be arranged for, but I have been sent an email asking if perhaps some additional work on my confidence might be helpful to which I can only say, well, d'uh. So maybe I'm yet going to get something really useful out of Scarborough? Well I don't know but I try to remain positive, even if I'm not particularly good at it.

Still, whilst this surprising twist of fate has left me feeling surprisingly good about the world this feverish virus thing has also grown to render me unfortunately rather incapable of taking much action to make the most of this unusual positivity. Hm, there is a price to be paid for all things I suppose. In any case, my disease has managed render the world about me a shade unreal but I suppose that has been assisted by the peculiarities of days of suddenly shifting perspective along with freezing snowy blizzards mixed with warm springy sunshines. It has been rather curiously curious altogether though the result thus far still seems to have been that I haven't quite managed to do anything particularly useful. I have been rather too fuzzingtons and unpleasantly achy to make my way to the Coliseum this week, hopefully they've managed to get on ok without me but I thinks they would probably prefer it that I didn't bring my virus in to share with them either. Meanwhile the weather has left shop rather lacking in terms of customers in any case, although we do no have a shiny new shelving unit in the window, besides our new trio of models, on which I might display the choicest specimens from amongst my flock of books. In my present state however I haven't really been able to do very much in the ways of herding so I'm not sure my book department is quite at its best at the moment but I shall sees how I might be feeling come Friday to see if I can't catch up with some good works there. Of course there are yet the plans to shift the books around to the back wall, apparently meaning we shall be losing a meter of space on the fictions but will be adding an extra shiny space for display of non-fictions. Or something like that anyways, my head hasn't really been properly in place this week to fully take in what the plans are but I suppose we'll see when we gets there. I had rather hoped that today though I might be feeling rather fresher, indeed I went to bed after a little playing around on Guild Wars 2 recovering lost objects for refugees fleeing the terrible new Molten Alliance, feeling relatively more reasonable and yet I woke up today with all sorts of aches and a renewed fuzzy headedness. Hm, not sure where that has come from and it leaves me feeling just a little grumpy since I had hoped to have been able to do considerably more with my traditional day off than I have thus far proved able. Oh well, I do hope that I may be able to chase away this disease before I loses all sense of positivity from the unexpected cancellation of my appointment. I hoped I might be able to make good use of the emotional energies I had saved from not having to face the pointless turmoils by actually doing something worthwhile for once but thus far it doesn't seem to have gone to that sort of plan either. Hm, well, the week isn't done yet I suppose, and we has a new Pope, so who knows, anything might happen right? Erm, I shall sees what I might be able to manage anyways.

Anyways, the events of these past few days have left me with various interesting insights to ponder, if not quite with the kind of brainpowers required to actually ponder them. Broadly though I ponder at just how the smallest thing can seem to result in quite the most dramatic change in my outlook. Then again, thanks to my fuzzy virus, it's not as if I've really managed to make this week that much different in real practical terms than my usual shambolic and mindless efforts. The universe has somehow worked out a way of changing everything without actually changing anything. It's quite impressive really. Still, I am left to wonder as to quite what it might take to alter what would seem to be my fundamental nature of timidity and oversensitive, quite nervousness. Clearly the change of circumstances has done much to change my feelings and were I not all feverish then perhaps I might have made more good stuff happen this week on the back of feeling good about the other thing? As I pretentiously noted in my previous post, Schopenhauer formulated the view that man did indeed have a will that he was free to follow but what that will comprised of was formulated by his innate nature which was not something he had immediately control. Clearly though, people's natures can change. In the words of the Pratchett novel I have just lately finished reading, a leopard can change its shorts! I wonder though as to whether the leopard is capable of changing its shorts all by itself or whether it requires some outside influence, a life changing event or the guidance of some other wise creature, to teach and show it a different way? Hm, well right now my dear reader you will probably be relieved to hear I don't have the strengths to go into such pseudo-philosophical ponderings to any great detail so I shall leave it as a question to be mused upon over the course of time. Still, perhaps this new suggestion of the Scarborough job folk might produce something actually useful and worthwhile for a change? Hm, I'm not sure I've any real reason to think it will but I wants to try and sound positive and keep some of the goodness going until I finally get my head back to the right temperature and properly breathe through my nose once more! For now though I shall return my fever, and hopes that this last gasp of winter cold may soon depart. If I can gathers enough concentration together, there is an interesting Horizon documentary to watch on the nature of how creativity is thought to come about in the human brain. Hm, been a while since I've done anything creative so it might be interesting to see how it actually happens! Heh, in the meanwhile though I do hopes that all you good people out there are yourselves good and well and that after a reasonable week you has pleasant weekends ahead of you. Hopefully I shall yet be alive enough to make some good use of mine. I'll gives it a go in any case. Wish me luck!
"You can do what you will, but in any given moment of your life you can will only one definite thing and absolutely nothing other than that one thing."

- Arthur Schopenhauer, 'On the Freedom of the Will' (Über die Freiheit des menschlichen Willens), 1839.

The world continues to turn and puppy stumbles on with his pale parody of a life. Admittedly I don't really have much comprehension of what it ought to look like but certainly I continue to have some difficulty in getting mine to look like the ones in the pictures. Indeed my brains is hardly short of pictures and theories and thoughts of things rarely seem to work out in such a fashion. Of course though, whether or not the pictures themselves provide that much of an especially accurate perspective is another matter. Probably reading all those New Scientist articles that shared the latest evidence suggesting that our concepts of time, free will and even our sense of self are largely illusory or at least function very little like our commonplace sense of these things might have us imagine. An intermittent squidgy migraine has been of very much assistance either this week though presently that at least seems to have reasonably quietened down. Mostly though methinks I just be too wearied of the entertainments of the week gone by and unhelpfully fixated on the prospects of what might lie ahead to craft anything particularly useful out of this week wherein the demands upon my will be somewhat lighter. Which is just a little bit of a disappointment really. I though certainly hoped to make rather more of this time I have had between the scary things to take a few more positive steps forward than I quite seem to have proved able. For all my thinkings on the matter I yet finds myself distracted by the world and my brains suddenly getting themselves into some strangely intractable tangle when I moves to try and do much of anything. I wonder somewhat at the cause of it all, I don't much likes to think that I really has anything inherently unusual in my brains since that might suggest there would be little I could do and indeed, I'm not I particularly warrants and special treatment compared to any other human. So I'm left with some error in my thinkings, but I'm not such an unintelligent creature and it should seem that I knows more or less what I ought to be doing, or it is the unpleasantness of my anxiety pushing me back and the lack of any real sense of an award not pushing me forward. I do know however something of the kinds of magic and pleasure that the living and the world can entail so why isn't that enough to spur me onwards? Hm, I puzzle as to quite what I'm missing. Why can it not be that I can't seem to just choose to make myself do stuff as I know that I should? Perhaps there is something in that when growing up I would find that what I wanted to do and be would be undesirable to someone and thus somehow I assume that whatever I may do it will be the wrong thing? If that is the case though, and I'm not entirely convinced that it is crux of anything, then surely I should be able to rewrite that part of me? Either ways though, I'm clearly mistaken in my perspectives about something, but I suppose since I only have this broken glass to look through I'm not going to see myself quite how it is broken. I wonder then if I'm going to get anywhere then I needs some outside agency, be that be human intervention or by some unconscious fortune if I am to make any real progress. In the meanwhile though, well, I can but keep trying as best I may and hopefully at some point I will manage to do something.

Not that have done nothing this week by any means. I has poked about at the Coliseum and padded around at the shop but sadly these things don't themselves seem to hold much in the way of worth when it comes to assisting me in the creation of any sense of security in my world, nor solid ground on which to place my paws or indeed any greater clarity in my potentially illusory sense of self. Regardless of what I might do there at any of these places I remain unemployed and thus at the mercy of the whims of various scary agencies, or at least agencies that invoke a reponse of fear. Hm, it's an additionally sad thing perhaps that sometimes it seems that it be only this very immediate sense of threat and fear that can actually spur me into dynamic actions, whereas in quieter times the more positive motivations don't seem to move me nearly as much. I feel like I know it should, but it doesn't. Equally I can neither seem to get the concept of prevention being better than cure into my head either so I seem rather reluctant to take the sort of preparatory steps that might help me avoid the excessive threat and unpleasantness before I gets to it. My nature is very strongly geared towards the avoidance of such things that make me feels uncomfortable and thus doing stuffs to face it feels like it be distinctly unnatural. Still why should in continue to do so, despite all I know and make myself to do? Meanwhile it would seem I do be somewhat oversensitive and certainly a natural introvert, so it is I feel drained by activities out in the world amongst the peoples and rather more rejuvenated by quieter spaces and periods. Perhaps this world is not naturally made for an introvert like me, but on the other hand that's hardly any kind of crime either and surely there should be a place for a creature as me just as much as more outgoing types? Hm, presently I find myself reading Pratchett and I'm somewhat struck how in the fantasy of the Discworld eccentric characters excel when they finds themselves in their own tailor, or rather author made niche. Hm, well the world is not authored that straightforwardly perhaps but on the other hand it is also quite big so I should hope there is yet a niche that would fit me out there somewhere. Heh, maybe I need to find me an interviewer at a job with, as I have, something of a soft spot and certainly a particular appreciation of the quietly sensitive and introverted creature! By the law of averages one must surely exist out there somewhere. Perhaps though I just be too hard on myself and I'm not really doing so bad at life as I imagines. Erm, well if that be the case then really, if this is what life actually is I'm not really sure it's altoghether what you might actually describe as worth it! Heh, well I expect I could continue to talk myself round in circles on the matter, and doubtless yet will again in journal entries to come, but I just hope that somewhere along the line I shall be able to author myself a story of some greater narrative coherency and sense. Of course that might require a collaboration of some sort but, um, I guess I said that already.

So, anywho, this week. Well I had me a weekend staying with parents now back in the caravan and a fluffy kitty most happy to see the return of his food sources. The beast was indeed quite meowy and snuggly and not a little clambery when it came time for dinner and he wanted to get over our shoulders to the tasty chicken that sat on our plates and smelled so tastily of meats! It was nice to get out of the town though I find myself surrounded by fields and green and have more little fluttery birds outside the window. Wandering through town on a grey and chill day today I saw the now quite regular sight of the little skittery turnstone that has taken up residence in the train station car park which is a sweet but somewhat more troubling thing to see than the colourful finches that jostle and fight at the birdfeeders around the caravan. For one thing, this little turnstone is missing a foot although this doesn't seem to slow it down any, but perhaps more curious is to what this little shore bird is finding to eat in the train station car park although as it seems to consistently be there and consistently not dead then it must be finding something. It's a bit of a mysterious puzzle though and certainly a somewhat strangely melancholic sight. However I digress, and what I was going to say was that this weekend I shall be returning to the relative quiet tranquilities of the van which should this time be even quieter and more tranquil as parents are going to be away in Sheffield for it be my little nephew's 2nd birthday and whilst they are away I will be providing kitty with his meaty kibbles and companionable snuggles. It's a prospect I do look forward to, and certainly hopes the time will allow me some helpful rejuvenations, but it also comes with its own complications in that it shall makes it tricksier to do my preparatory works for the next scheduled Scarborough appointment (which is very definitely scheduled for Monday!) and of course the thought of which may in itself weigh unhelpfully upon me and leave me somewhat distracted from getting the most out of any potential rejuvenations I could happen upon whilst I be there. Hm, is that not unreasonable I wonder? Which is to say would it likely be the same for anyone else in that position or is there something particularly obsessive or over sensitive in my thoughts on the matter? Would anyone else make a better job out of this free time than I might? Well, doubtless someone would, but would most do so, without having to really thinks about it to the extent that I have to force myself into? Such are questions I wonder at, if I don't know what real use to me any answers might prove, but in any case hopefully I can yet have me a nice weekend ahead, spending a pleasant and quiet time on my own in the countryside with a friendly kitty beast and not too much in the way to distract me.

As mentioned previously though, this week has also featured the usual shop and Coliseum stuffs too. Sunday at the shop proved a fairly busy day with takings nosing above £300 for the first time since I can't quite rememeber. Things weren't much helped by my helper elf arriving rather late again and then shuffling off for lunch after having been there for little more than hour! Hmpf. Still, at least this time around I didn't have me any difficulties with change and by and large the day passed fairly smoothly save for a couple of customers being confused by the signs on our delightful new display of underwears which advertise 'New Accessories from only £1.99!' at it's top. In this case though I think I'm somewhat on the side of the customers since the word 'from' is in such particularly small type it really does appear to give off the impression that everything on the stand beneath is at that price which it very much isn't. Far be it from me to be critical of the motives of a charity but it does seem a somewhat cynical ploy. Apparently though, the visit from the big cheese to the shop didn't go too badly and I'm told he was quite struck with the attractiveness of the book display and indeed the 18% yield I'm told we get from it, a figure which is apparently unheard of anywhere else in the organisation. So it is then a plan has been hatched to move some of our books from the side walls they currently inhabit to the back, replacing the music and DVDs that currently live there and yield a meager 6%, so our attractive display may be more obvious and enticing when seen through the window from outside. We're also getting a shiny new shelving unit to display in the window itself as well as an additional pricing gun which will be much helps as things did get a little awkward at times, having only one. In the meantime, we also got ourselves a whole bunch of unsettlingly anatomic naked human torsos which, when unsettlingly bolted together with bits of metal, form a new trio of models to display our very poshest outfits in the window and which proved an entertaining challenge to piece together on Tuesday. So anyways, new stuff is afoot in the shop and also at the Coliseum with the new man continuing to do apparently necessary alterations to the computers in the café, now no longer networked together and with a bunch of different clean up and maintenance softwares installed. What difference it may make to operations remain to be seen. We now have TeamViewer to access other computers rather than doing so through the LAN (apparently this is more secure and, erm, betterer) and hopefully we can yet has the printer and scanner set up without too much tricksiness but we shall see what may be seen. In the meanwhile too, we wait to see what the results of our funding application may be too. I would be nice to be able to provide our courses for free again, and apparently there are a bunch of folk signed up to take part already if we do, but it was supposedly limited to the poorest 10% and apparently Whitby has one ward which is in the poorest 11% in the country but that is obviously not quite the same thing. Oh well, as with much of everything else, we shall indeed see what shall be seen.

By and large though this week I really haven't been able to much shake the feeling that I've not been doing nearly as much as I should. Meanwhile though I've felt myself a wearied creature so when I have got home from a day poking at keyboard or computer my tangled brains haven't had the concentrations required to get stuffs done and much has just felt rather awkward and tangled. I've done a fair bit of reading, played a bunch of Guild Wars 2, but I hasn't nearly got as much done as I feel like I should when I have got my home from my pretend work. Hm, I don't know if should expect any better though. Or maybe I expect too much in feeling like I ought to have everything done already? Outside agencies may share their observations on that should they wish but these days I do get somewhat frustratingly confused. Mayhap I needs to be more disciplined and make myself do things rather than following the same lazy routine and path of least resistance. On the other hand I don't seem to get much further with trying to make myself change however strongly and clearly I might think it so mayhap that isn't the way. Maybe I should be more accepting of what I am and positive about myself but then trying to get myself to think that way doesn't really help either. Mayhap it's some balance of the two but, erm, yeah. Well I guess everyone is just always trying their best to get who they are to fit into whatever world they finds themselves in at least some reasonably workable fashion? And maybe it's easier for some than for others and maybe that's just how it is and however much I might obssess about it I'm not going to change that. Still, whilst I has a hopefully tranquil weekend ahead of me I'm not much looking forward to Monday wherein I will be going to Scarborough in the morning then I have an appointment with the jobcentre in Whitby in the afternoon so besides everything else I has to trust the buses run to time and right now, after everything else, I am perhaps just a bit more nervous about something going wrong than I might usually be. And I'm usually quite nervous enough to begin with. Perhaps anyone bouncing between these different scary things would have a hard time of it, if they were a creature of such sensitivties as me. Maybe somewhere there is a less thoughtful and less solitary soul who is currently not writing about their wish for a more socially exciting and a less intellectual but more precarious existence but then that sort of person is probably not thinking about things to quite same nauseating lengths as I do! Hm, in the meanwhile though I still needs to make myself an appointment to check up on the progress of my pretend fangs as well but whilst the making of dental appointments remain in my thoughts I shall yet needs a somewhat quieter world to allow me to gather the strengths to actually go and make it.

Still, hopefully I shall get that done at some point much as I hope I will survive the delights of Monday and whatever else the next week may have to offer for me. Presently though everything remains a bit too much more than my brains, such as they are, seem really capable of comfortably dealing with. As one last little observation though, when it comes to playing Guild Wars 2 lately, it's been striking how much that seems to relax me when I gets into it. A few times this week I have logged in to the game feeling a bit of an achy and awkward puppy, thinking I might just see if I can play a little, but I have finished with a far more placid and quieter mind, the aches from my body gone and feeling rather less wearied and run down than I had when I started. It's just a bit odd really. Ok, so puppy is an introvert and thus I am energised by more solitary activities and drained by social interactions but it almost slightly annoys that this activity that makes me feel so much more rested and positive than much anything else is such an entirely pointless and meaningless one as this unreal game. Hm, it's no dreadful sin I suppose but it would be nice if some more concretely constructive and creative thing could make me feel that way too. Heh, it's not even as if I really take much part of in the social aspect of this massively multiplayer game, even if I do play alongside a bunch of other people and actually was part of a group for at least a whole five minutes last night, I'm nearly playing all of it entirely solo. It's harmless fun though so mayhap I should condemn myself for the time I waste playings it and perhaps I should just accept it's calming affects as a positive thing without so much questioning. Hm, I does still bug me somewhat though. Still, my tree dude and his pet wolf are now at the giddy heights of level 80 and still exploring and looking into deeper aspects of crafting and getting shinier things whilst I ponder trying out a different character to see how that works. Maybe I'll get lucky and make a friend somewhere in game and join a guild and finds me some more solid sense of connection between self and place as I continues in my wanderings. I could say much the same of my travels in what passes for the real world too I supposes. Well for now though I has me an evening ahead watching Charlie Brooker then catching up on current affairs with Question Time and the dubious delights of This Week. Maybe before the night closes I'll see if I can't see what new job vacancies might be circling before catching up with exciting word games on Facebook and returning to my fantasy adventures should I have any strength left. Then after Friday at the shop, a tranquil weekend with a kitty awaits. Hopefully it will be good and positive and rejuvenatings. I'll see what I might do to make it so in any case, and in the meantime be sendings out best wishes of sparkles and fluffiness to all folk out there and hopes you all gets whatever flavour of weekend might be your own sort of delight. I'll be letting you know I gets on. Ooh, sparkles!

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This Is Why I Can't Have Nice Things

My, but I do thinks I shall be glad to see the end of this week! Of course I wasn't that particularly keen on seeing it beginning either but even then I didn't quite imagine it turning out the way it did. Somehow or other I managed to get my schedule just a little mixed up in brain and so the appointment in Scarborough that I thought was set for Wednesday turned out to have been on a Tuesday instead! This I discovered on Tuesday lunchtime just conveniently after the time had passed for me to be there and thus threw me into a considerably flappy panic for the next few days. Heh, still I suppose it was perhaps a more active state of mind than the cold dread I had previously been stuck in, if maybe yet not exactly in the manner which I might have really appreciated. I'm still not entirely sure quite how I managed to make the error but I guess I just must have got myself confused in amongst preparations at the shop for the visit of the big cheese, work towards a funding application deadline at the Coliseum and the prospect of a visit by the window people here at the flat. Besides that I imagines that the previous appointments that I've had to rearranged may have further confused the issue in my little brains. In the end then, it just all proved a little too much for my overly sensitive brain to all keep track of and so I got me a little mixed up. The good news at least is that now, after a series of grovelling apologies, that I won't be receiving any terrible sanction for my oversight, I has a new appointment scheduled in two week's time and things may proceed as normal. Not, admittedly, that I can say I'm altogether fond of normal and if nothing else this little incident mayhap shows that I must somehow find me a ways to disentangle the mess of my brains preferably sooner rather than later. Indeed, whilst this was an honest human mistake I yet wonder whether the antipathy of my subconscious at facing these things in some way made me subtly more prone to making this mistake, a Freudian slip in its way. It's no less unhelpful to me than the persistent innate pressure I gets from my feelings to avoid doing the things I knows I need to do. Still, whether I'm any more likely to learn anything from this incident than I have been able to do from all the times I have survived these scary things without being eaten by tigers rather remains to be seen. Whilst the end result might be positive for me, I now find myself somewhat worried my senses might see that it got away with it and yet be even less likely to have a go at doing the stuffs I ought to. Well, I suppose it's up to me to try and combat that instinct, much as it ever has been really. Either ways, it seems the world goes on turning as normal once again.

Oddly enough, the week didn't start out really that badly. Monday morning I made the phonecall I had been asked to make to confirm with the window people, and then I shuffled out to Coliseumland where I made use of cunning language skills to help construct a suitable form of words to go on the charity's latest funding application. If we gets it we may perhaps be able to go back to offering our computer courses to the local community for free as we had done previously. There is something of a question mark over whether we will get the grant or not however as last time it was limited to the poorest 20% of council wards in the British Isles (of which Whitby has two) but now it has been cut back to the poorest 10%. So it may be that, although poor, we are not quite poor enough to qualify for the government's assistance. Somehow that almost seems like the story of someone's life but that is how it be. Anywho, the deadline for that funding application was Wednesday, so maybe that is how I got the Scarborough thing confused in my head. Anyways, that had seemed like a reasonable day, of course until it all changed the next and I realised the mistake I had made. Then I had little choice to send me off a grovelling apologetic email before grabbing together as much of the wits I had left and heading off to the shop where our area manager was busy annoying everyone, trying to make sure everything was shiny and correct for the visit of the number 2 in the entire retail division that would come on. Whilst I poked at the till and assisted my assistant in herding the books there was much toing and froing and rearranging of things so that every unhelpful and unworkable procedure was being followed to the most pointless letter. If the big cheese wanted to see what typical daily life in one his charity shops be like, he won't be getting one here and I wait with some small interest to see how it all went when I goes back down on Friday and what sort of helpful and out of touch suggestions he might make on how a charity shop with a staff of only 7 should ensure that everything that requires doing can be. I did briefly trundle by the place earlier this morning and was mildly amused to note that rather more of my books have unnecessary stickers on than they had previously. Still, having stayed behind until six to make sure all the book displays were up to date and giving myself a highly unpleasant and squidgy migraine in the process, on top of all my other appointment stress, they can really do what they like. It's not as though as I get paid for doing any of it. Still, I do feel rather sorry for our manager who has been forced to put so much exhausting extra work in for this royal visit that I do really hopes that everything will have gone well for her. Well, I shall see when I gets down there tomorrow I suppose.

Anyways, I missed Wednesday morning at the Coliseum though not for the reason of having to be in Scarborough as I had explained to them I would be absent on Monday, but instead for sending more emails and clarifying the situation of having forgotten my appointment on Tuesday! That morning though I had received a grumpy, formal letter reminding of my responsibilities and providing me with a rearranged time and date for an appointment in two week's time but seemingly not enforcing any strict sanction right now. Still being somewhat unnerved and not entirely certain I made phonecalls and sent another email, but indeed it does turn out that I am not to be punished this time and the life, insofar as I can call it that, goes on. Heh, funny I was able to get myself to make a phonecall then, nervous as I was about it, but it's so much harder to do so for more positive reasons. Or should that be, so much easier to avoid. Either ways, if nothing else it leads me even more to bitterly curse the frustration of my stupidly back to front nature. I only hope that I can yet make some real productive progress and that this isn't just going to reinforce my fears and instinct to avoids the unpleasant things rather than face them. Certainly I don't imagine it's going to have done much for my overall sense of self worth or my faith in my abilities. One way or another, if I am ever going to make any real progress in my world and construct for myself a world in which I can feel a reasonable level of contentment then I must somehow overcome my excessive emotional reactions and oversensitivity. As it be, too much of the regular business of living feels unnecessarily unpleasant however much I know myself it has no business being, and the rewards I may get from facing up to it and trying to do these things seem much less than the ease and relief my nerves make feel when I don't think about and avoid making the preparations and doing the stuff I needs. My nature has the world entirely back to front, and it continues to do so even though I can clearly see just how wrong it is. At the moment too, my instincts and my nature seem to be a far stronger thing than my intellect and personal will and, by and large with some small helpful or unhelpful additions of fortune and fate, this is why I can't have nice things. Somehow though I has to find some ways of overcoming all that, but as I sit here right now I'm still rather uncertain quite how I might manage it. I have tried telling myself over and over again my fears are needless but I continue to feel them, still I don't know what much more I can do on my own than keep trying to make the efforts to do the scary things and keep telling myself of my capabilities, though it does grow increasingly hollow doing so. Mayhap somehow though I might manage to make the difference. I really don't know at the moment, but what more can I do but keeps trying?

Sitting here right now though I am almost somewhat beset by an additional confusion in that, after all the preparations I has made for the window people coming today, I would seem not to have had any visitors! I has tidied and moved my furnitures but no one has come to measure my panes of glass. Or at least I don't thinks they have anyways. Around the hour that they were due to arrive there was a human that came to the door, and I was about to go lets them in but then there was a light in the hallway and some other person went to the door. So I assumed they had been let in. Since then however I have heard the odd noise and someone on the phone in the hallway but that is about it. No knock on my door as yet, certainly no sign of the landlady who I would have thought would have wanted to be here when they came. She showed the man round last time. So I don't know, after having survived one confusing and frightening mental lapse I don't really have the energy left to spend much time contemplating this one. All I had was a little scrap of paper under my door telling me to be to ensure to be in at 4:30 today, and that I was, so I have at least fulfilled my part of this bargain. If they wanted any more than that then they ought to have been more clear and specific. Hmpf. Well, it's hardly the most terrible thing that has happened to me this week, but now I'm just looking for the world to go on in a manner that hopefully won't be entirely as normal. On Friday though, parents will be moving back from the little place around the corner where they have been this past month and back to the caravan and I shall be off there for the weekend to spend some time in what I hopes to be a more quiet and tranquil environment, surrounded by green fields, river, tweeting birds and a fluffy black and white kitty cat, brimming over with extra affections and sociability after all the time he had been left on his little lonesome! Hopefully that may help me feels a little more human again and then this next week I may be able to set myself into doing good new things that actually are constructive and positive and I might feels like I'm actually getting somewhere. Well, it's a thought I suppose. In the meanwhile though there has also just been released the February patch for Guild Wars 2, introducing yet more content for the game for me to play with which is pretty good timing since my little tree dude and his pet wolfy have just lately hit the level cap although that really has less meaning in this game than it might in other MMORPGs. Either ways, there's fun new stuff for me to explore there and mayhap I'll have more pretty pictures of imaginary scenerey to share shortly, and depending on how the wildlife behaves over the weekend, maybe even real scenery too! For now though, time to shuffle off and see what I might do to piece back together my shattered personality! I must again say how appreciative a little puppy I be for all the helpful supports I has had from you helpful supportive folks and I trusts that the world be treating all you peoples with all the kindness that is your due. I'll be seeing you further down the line, and hopefully still keeps clinging to at least some degree of life and sanity. Imma keep trying to see if I can't makes it a little better though. No promises, but imma has a go. Wish me luck anyways, and for my part imma be sendings out all the sparkliest and fluffiest wishes my own little paws has strengths and means to share.

A Square Brain in a Round Skull

Ah, the weekend. So you're here already are you? Of course were I perhaps some kind of reasonable, rational creature I should probably feel positive and grateful for having this free day to myself which I might potentially make use of for doing all sorts of useful and worthwhile things to prepare me for such activities that might lie ahead. Sadly however, I seem not to be that sort of creature so instead I woke with a heavy reluctance clinging to my limbs after a night of somewhat intermittent sleep where in each time of momentary waking a part of me would curse the clock each time for being closer to morning. I know it's all sorts of stupid and pointless but I am really not looking forward to the week ahead and thanks to the various unhelpful lessons I have managed to learn on journey to what might nominally be termed adulthood, I should far rather just avoid these things than do any of the perfectly straightforward activities that might allow me to go about my tasks without trauma. I know the sensible thing would be to prepare myself to be ready in good time, but then thinking of these things makes me feel terribly bad inside and not doing so is infinitely more restful so naturally it comes to seem the greater rewards stem from not doing stuff rather than taking what I know perfectly well is really the better path. Perhaps even more frustrating and wearisome though is that, knowing full well what the good and sensible thing to be doing really might be and indeed just how outlandishly nonsensical my emotional reactions to some of the most banal and inoffensive activities actually are, why can I not just tell myself not to feel this way? Why must the most simple and straightforward acts of basic living feel consistently like engaging in some bitter civil war with my own emotions in order to accomplish? And when might that ever change? I'm not altogether convinced I have the heart to keep going with an existence where I consistently have to really push to force myself into doing such ordinary things as taking out my rubbish, because somewhat might see me and notice me doing something terrible I hadn't realised, or take a shower because, umm, maybe there will be a leak or something and the building will collapse. Heh, outlandish as it may sound that is about the level of my mental catastrophising that comes about, I suspect as an attempt by my brain to justify what it seems to be feeling rather than the other way around. If you sees what I mean. Of course, I can overcome these nonsenses sometimes (this morning I took myself to the shop, outside of my comfortable routine, because I was out of sugar. Err, go me?) but it takes an awfully excessive amount of puppy willpower to do so and I only has a limited supply of that.

Oh, I can't keep going on in this consistently tiresome fashion but I seems to be a little stuck as to quite what I can do to change my reactions to things on my own. For all my efforts, my brains stubbornly seem to resist learning from experience or what I knows to be the perfectly obvious facts of the matter. Indeed, given my reasonable degree of intelligence and the fortune I had being born into a reasonably comfortable family with a decent home, good education and all that sort of stuff, life really ought to hold few challenges at all save those which I might choose to take on as opportunities for adventure and achievements. Somehow though I never seemed to quite get to grips with this sort of living. I don't really know if there be something particularly different about me however. Maybe I'm just weak and lazy and can't appreciate that every life requires some sort of effort and the doing of things you don't want to do? Hm, I can't say I'm entirely sold on that idea since I wouldn't be quite so aware of the ridiculousness of my own reactions were I quite such an ignorant and selfish creature as that, though nonetheless I can still come to despise myself for my own apparent weakness. I imagine that being something of an innately oversensitive creature I somehow came to learn over years of growing up split between two different sets of family, and other friends and different social groups besides, with strikingly different philosophies on living that whatever I might try to do is going to be a bad thing from someone's perspective and it be my nature to always desperately want to please everyone all of the time. Whether or not on top of those unhelpful lessons, or perhaps what caused me to learn those lessons rather than maybe being strengthened by the challenges I faced growing up, there's something peculiar in the way my brain actually interprets the world is something I can't really be sure about. Either ways it would certainly seem to do so now anyways and I seem to lack the means to change its view. Since I can do my work at the shop though and sometimes, if not precisely always, feel good about it, and do my stuff at the Coliseum and appreciate poetry and other such intellectual things I can only ponder that in some other circumstances I could really do awfully well at this living business. Somehow though I seem to be mystifyingly incapable of some things that it would appear most folk just go about doing without thinking. Like having conversations with other folk. How much effort is typically required to assemble the thoughts required in order to vocalise a coherent sentence? One reason I write these entries, despite the persistent worry that those reading will find it tediously self-indulgent, hate me for revealing such weakness or find it distastefully inappropriate for me to be writing about such things, is that I can't imagine putting these fears into words to actually say to people. Which of course is itself a problem since I don't suppose a lot of people have much of even the faintest idea of what I largely go about thinking and feeling. Also, how much of the time should the words I hear someone else speaking seem to come out as an unintelligible noise? Everyone doubtless has moments when they don't quite catch what the other is saying, but sometimes I think it seems to happen an awful lot more for me. Handily in a lot of circumstances I can sort of work it out through contextualised clues, and nodding and smiling and making thoughtful noises gets me through a lot too, but is this how it usually should be? I find I can have no real certainty about that, or indeed about a lot of other things. Hm, perhaps I should tell someone about it? Heh, quite, you see the black joke I made there?

Mayhap though this apparent intelligence of mine which allows me to put together a somewhat more reasonable interpretation of the nonsense that my senses assault me with is itself something of a double-edged sword? I thinks I has some degree of intelligence since various people will often seem to tell me I do and I find I can answer a few of the questions on University Challenge. When I find myself not wanting to go into a shop and look and things since everyone there will undoubtedly view me with disdain, I find myself rather questioning the level of my wit. Still, since when I'm out and about I can just about put on a face and interpret what is a reasonable response to a situation then everyone assumes that I shouldn't be having any difficulty with anything else either? Certainly I watch people going about me and wonder how it is they seem to walk through the world and do what they do without much apparent difficulty but surely they must have some more complicated thoughts and feelings going on beneath the surface themselves? I can make it look like there's nothing particularly remarkable going on with me, and to some degree that's also how I like it. The last thing I want in some respects is to draw any kind of attention to myself, although on the other it may well be precisely what I wants! Maybe if I hadn't been bright such that I didn't need to put the effort into school and stuff that might otherwise have it should have been more obvious that I had some sort of a problem? As it is I can just about work my way through most things and just about keep myself clinging on to the edge by desperate fingernails, so maybe I don't actually have a problem in practical terms and indeed, in practical terms, mayhap that is just what life is? Sitting here right now though I can't say I'm particularly convinced that this is the regular way that things should be however. Still, I looks like I'm ok from the outside, so maybe I am. What's my flimsy and supremely subjective view to that of what the whole rest of the world sees? I can't say that makes me really feel any better about myself inside however. Hm, I don't want to trouble anyone else though with my own stupid weakness and egocentric fears and nor do I want to make anyone else feel bad by making them think that they are making me feel bad. I don't want to sound like I'm accusing anyone else of making me feel unwlecome or treating my badly when the problem and the excess sensitivity is all of my own making. Well, I don't know, mayhap some criticisms wouldn't be unwarranted in some cases, but it's yet another unhelpful side-effect of my low self-esteem that I don't much feel entitled to say so. By and large though, I do thinks the fault is mostly my own, but either ways I yet feel rather reluctant writing all this stuff down here although I'm not forcing anyone to read through all my gibbering. Still, I wonder if anyone who knew outside of this here Interweb was to do so whether they would connect the creature they saw padding quietly about the streets of town with the thoughts and feelings expressed in these paragraphs. Would they be able to appreciate the strength of the feelings that I seem to feel assail me or the back to front perspective my brain seems to have on certain aspects of living? Hm, I really don't know, but somehow I yet has to finds myself some way out of this tangle but whilst it continues to seem like I be in possession of a square brain in a round skull I find myself somewhat at a loss quite how I might do that on my own. What can I do though but keep trying as much as I can, if I fear I can't always seem to make it that much, to force my way through my difficulties and hope somewhere along the line to make a real difference and change. Otherwise I also remain more broadly a square wolf in a round den or whatever way you might want to structure the analogy. Hm, maybe when it comes down it, perhaps being stuck in the more typical hole is actually the most apt way of phrasing it in this case!

Heh, well speaking of not burden people with my own pointless flapping I suppose I've typed enough about all that stuff now. I don't suppose my intellectual reasoning out of it is particularly going to help any besides some degree of catharsis. Time is moving on and I don't want to be supplying myself with another stick to beat myself with by accusing myself of writing all this to waste time and so as not to face up to the more troubling but more real tasks I need to do to prepare for the week ahead. That week, incidentally, will involve a trip to the jobcentre on Monday. Something I have done on countless occasions before without any incident or trouble but still feels like an unwelcome effort. Then I have a more troubling trip to Scarborough on Wednesday when I shall have to tell the fairy job folk about all about the very little progress I have made, most of that undoubtedly not helped by own reluctance to do some of the things I know I should since they feel excessively unpleasant, where in my imagination I shall be set upon by tigers and condemned for my uselessness as I undoubtedly deserve to be. This of course despite nothing like this ever happening the countless times I've been over there previously. I can't say I've ever really felt like I've got anything much good out of it either, but that which I have gets quickly lost in the other trials of basic living, like going outdoors, which requires vastly more effort than it ought to do with my nervous system keeping a constant and unnecessary look out for what bad thing might just be around the corner. Meanwhile, returning from the shop on Friday I was also greeted by the deeply unwelcome sight of a little scrap of paper under my door to inform me that the window man is wanting to come back on Thursday to check his measurements and could I phone him direct to confirm I'd be in at that time? Oh good, not only a man coming but also a scary phonecall I has to make! And of course I haven't forgotten that last time it was all of ten minutes and nothing at all terrible took place but still my feelings revolt and give me an extra thing to obssess about. Oh, and then there were the people I happened to bump into in the supermarket on Friday who are selling off their old gothy clothes and wants to show them to me. A perfectly pleasant and nice thing that should be shouldn't it and yet I somehow still feel even that as something of a burden, given I haven't the finances to making much in the way of extravagant purchases, but I really don't want to displease anyone. It's ridiculous I know, none of these things should be in any way a problem, but then I get impossibly drained just sitting in my flat wondering at the sounds of voices in the hall outside. Heh, I could write you a good essay on the Romantic poets though or discuss some of the weird and fascinating aspects of quantum theory if you wanted! Oh lordy, well, hopefully I shall manage to get through the week ahead, for all that I expect to be spending much of it thinking how much easier it would just be to die. Heh, death only happens once, shame and ignominy last forever, or at least the constant effort required to overcome the imagined shame and ignominy that will be mine should I do any of these things would seem to be eternal.

Ok, so this time I have really exhausted all my mental energies for these tedious complainings, honest. Heh, yay. Well, very nearly anyway! Still, I need to go have a shower and to set about tidying up this room of mine a bit and doubtless were I some sort of reasonable and rational creature I might use my time to look up some online job vacancies and make some applications or some other similarly worthwhile activity. Well I shall see how much actual productive stuffs I might be able to manage to push myself into doing. I took myself out to the shops a little earlier, and now I've written myself a journal entry, so hopefully I'm not going to be going to bed tonight hating myself and dreading waking quite so much as the night before. I guess we'll see. Meanwhile I quietly hope the people won't turn up with their bag of clothings at the shop on Sunday as they said they might. I'd actually been expecting to see them appear somewhat earlier this week so hopefully they won't get round to doing it again! I shall also try not to think too much about quite how egregiously pathetic that sounds since we can at least all agree I thinks that the self-hating is a bad thing. Hm, well in amongst the bleakness I have forced some small sparks of motivation out of myself today, like some kind of poorly functioning cigarette lighter sputtering on its last remaining fumes of gas, so I'll keep turning the spinning thing and hopefully manage some sort of flame. Doubtless along the way I'll find myself smoking a fair amount of real cigarettes to put off the unpleasantness whilst there may be some Guild Wars 2 to play or some book reading to be done! Heh, I've actually almost got near to the end of my latest read that I started on sometime last year. Even the things that should just be an unalloyed restful pleasure I find myself avoiding doing, mayhap to some degree that's out of guilt that I should be doing something more productive. It's also interesting, on a side note, that I feel less enjoyments from the book or the game when I'm tired and suppressing the unpleasant sensations too, which in turn makes doing even those things feel less worthwhile. Either ways though, despairing as this post may have been I'm not yet entirely wallowing in it. Wallowing some obviously, but I shall keep trying at least and of course I do much appreciates the continued supports and kindly friendships of all those I have tortured into reading through all this! Hopefully perhaps you may appreciates how much I do appreciate it given all that I've been gibbering. So off we goes anyways, and I hopes all you good folk out there be having pleasantly relaxing or productive weekends and hopefully yet one of these days soon I shall be able to manage one myself too. Things surely can't continue to be so consistently wearying. Sometimes I can be glad that the one constant is change. So, I'm off to go see what I might be able to eke out from this square brain of mine, in the meanwhile though I leave my bestest and sparkliest wishes, along with my truest and deepest appreciations to all those of you out there who really do help even in the smallest ways to provides me with a more rounded perspective. Take care you good peoples.

Make Believe

Another week has begun its journey into history with what feels like somewhat unseemly haste. I'm not too sure I'm particularly fond of the passage of time at the moment as it seems lately to have been pushing me ever onwards from one needless emotional crisis to the next. Indeed, for all things presently may seem relatively straightforward in contrast to the fun I had on my travels down to Sheffield and the pretend job interview which I managed to survive, I seem to yet feel my next visit to the fairy job folk next week like some ominous dark spot lurking on the horizon in my mind. Despite all I've done previously, the feeling of marching towards some inevitable doom refuses to go away much though I might seek to counter it with more positive thoughts and reminders that I didn't do so badly with all that I have done before. Sadly none of these things yet seem able to erase the sense of apprehension nor the wish to turn away from it and finds someplace to hide. In fairness I don't suppose anyone would much look forward to having to do such a thing but I also thinks it probably should be continuously feeling like blundering my ways through Shelob's lair knowing that some giant spider inevitably awaits me just around one of these corners. Oh, and nor does it much help with persuading myself to actually do the things I knows I really ought to and which I know perfectly well might in fact do much to allow me to escape the threat of being munched on by some fiendish arachnid. It feels like a bad and unpleasant thing and instinctively I don't want to engage with it. Lately then these days I find myself sitting, forcing my mind to try and engage with thinking about the things I need to do but still, quite a bit of the time, not doing them. Whatever the psychological tipping point might be to motivate me into taking action seems a particularly difficult thing to reach. I don't know if that's anything to do with my brains, or just me making stupid choices and trying to excuse myself for it, but one way or another I need to find a ways to do these things differently. I confess at the moment though I'm not really sure quite how I might go about doing that and my continued pushing hasn't really seemed to furnish me with a great deal in the way of constructive results. Mayhap I'll keep surviving but I don't expect I'm going to particularly feel much good about it, not unless I can break through whatever it may be holding me back in any case, whether that thing is myself or something other. Still, I know I should be able to do things decidedly better than I seem to be feeling it now. So I keep trying. Somehow I must make myself believe rather than being stuck in all this unhelpful make believe. If you see what I mean. Well, it sounded clever in my head when I thought of it.

In the meanwhile, the general stuffs of life go on in not particularly spectacular or always especially helpful ways. The previous week's adventures perhaps have left something of a wearied creature to begin with. I can't seem to bring to memory much of anything about last Friday, though I assumes I must have spent some time at shop. I expects I shall have been on the till though, and mayhap I'll have put some books on the shelves during that time but really that day seems pretty much a blank in my mind. Heh, I find I have to keep looking back to assure myself that the last entry I wrote was on a Thursday so indeed there will have been a Friday that came after that but I really can't seem to recall anything about it. Come Saturday though and I do at least remember that I spent a bit of time with parents around the corner. Sunday would be step-dad's 64th birthday so there were some wry discussions echoing the lyrics of that particular song by the Beatles. Chicken was also eaten. In truth though I don't really remember much else about it either. I guess my brains made use of the weekend by switching off the bits that transfers stuffs into long-term memory! Well, mayhap it's no great loss, but it sort of frustrates as well. More generally I would like to make better use of time but the amount of energies I expends trying to overcome the emotions that rise up when I has to face my not in reality very scary or necessarily difficult ordeals then leaves me without much strengths to really put into the doing of things at useful times, whether I wanted to or not. My will to do good things gets undermined from various different sides. Still, that's just the way things seem to be though regardless of how much I might complain about it. By and large though, it would helps a great deal methinks if I should find myself with a real desire for this living thing but it continues to prove a difficult thing to keep any particular hold of. Ah wait, now that I thinks about it a little more, much of the time I had with the parents was probably spent sat watching the football which I can't say was particularly inspiring either. Hm, not that I'm someone who can't find some enjoyments from sport at times but I thinks with my present state of brain weariness I perhaps got less out of it than I might otherwise have done. Then again I must confess I can't really remember any great detail from the weekend so who know, maybe I really enjoyed it! Either ways, the weekend rather passed me by somewhat I fear though hopefully that then would have allowed me to gather some greater strengths for this week and whatever might lie ahead for me.

Hm, well, as it was I fear that Sunday may have done some things to somewhat put paid to those ideas. My helper elf at the shop didn't turn up until late, apparently he had missed his bus which wasn't the sort of explanation I was much in the mood to hear after two hours on my own fending off the half-term crowds. This was especially true as for a good part of that time I had no change left in my till and being all on my own no ways to finds any more which required an extra degree of mental creativity to find me some solutions to. I did just about manage to keep myself afloat until the human turned up, although the person I perhaps feel most sorry for is the nice young woman who I had to give £6 worth of 20p and 10p pieces to. She was awfully nice about it though which was more than some humans can be. Anyways, I did rather find myself feeling somewhat worn out by the time the human got here and then barely an hour had passed before he was petitioning to go off for lunch again. Grrs. I was a somewhat grumpy puppy by the end of the day and I hadn't done anything nearly the amount of the work I had planned to do at the shop when I skipped down there in the morning. I managed to fill the shelves at least but sadly lacked the strengths or indeed much of the means to the rotation I had hoped to do after manager had clearly put in a great deal of work on Saturday in sorting out the latest delivery of books we'd had. Heh, I doubts that it really made any great deal of difference to the amount we would have sold but it still leaves me a little grumpy. This is particularly since today at the shop it meant I was somewhat behind where I would have liked to have been and though I got a good bit of rotation done today, seven large sacks of books removed from the shelves and replaced with shiny new volumes, it's still somewhat behind where I would like it to be and not mention of course the nonsensical new orders from central office. Indeed I should like to be feeling rather better for all the good works I managed to do at the shop today but I can't seem to quite take the sort of satisfaction I would like from it. Meanwhile the new system seems to have left us in the awkward position of having lots of some kinds of books and very little of others. After another new delivery coming in today we now has a mountain of romance books, but I've pretty much used up all the general fiction stuffs. Meanwhile I knows tomorrow I will be on the till and unable to do anything very much more useful to sort through the new delivery to get at the good stuffs I really needs to keep my paws on so I hope no one helpfully tidies these things away for me else I may be forced to devour them for their kindness. Ah, of course you can't expect perfect order at a charity shop but I do wish I could focus more properly on it. It is partly my own weakness and partly outside annoyances but try as best I can, this evening the barely controlled chaos doesn't quite seem as pleasing as I thinks it may at other times have done. Smrrs. Or maybe it's just the big hardback that fell off the top of the shelves onto my head today, but I don't think it's pineapple...

Erm, sorry, where was I? Anywho, amongst all this stuff there have also been Coliseum things to do of course. Not that I really did very much during my time at the Coliseum on Monday but I played around on the computers and looked like I was doing big important things. Meanwhile, the man from the new company they've got in to provides the IT support was busy doing things to the system to make them all swishy and new, or something along those lines. As yet the only the clear differences I can see is that he's put up a new desktop wallpaper though it certainly looks shinier and more technomalogical than the fun ones we had with Windows 7. Meanwhile they've also installed some new maintenance software thing which looks like it does pretty much the same stuff as every other software maintenance thing. Meanwhile they also plan to separate off the public computers in the Internet Cafe onto a separate network from the admin computers. This may or may not be wise, the intricacies of networking aren't really my field when it comes to computers, but I yet wonder if this might prevent me from accessing important works from the public computer I tend to use whilst I'm there. Meanwhile we're apparently also ordering Windows 7 Pro, though why this should be any better than the Windows 7 Enterprise version we currently have I don't know either. Still, I'm sure it's all for perfectly good and sensible reasons much as everything that happens in down in Coliseumland always is. Well, I shall be there tomorrow morning in any case to see what new madness may yet have occurred to delight and perplex. Oh, apparently I also here news there is potential we might be getting funding for the computer courses again which would allow us to start indrocinating our victims free of charge once more, but such is just a whisper as yet, much as many other things seem to be, so we shall wait and see what occurs and carry on pretending to do incredibly clever things whilst I really just to listen to last.fm radio and catch up on the latest news on Guild Wars 2 and other MMOs. All fun stuff. Then of course my focus will shift over to the shop in the afternoon where I expects I will be on the till fending off the half-term crowds once more and silently seething at the people who can't books back where they got them from and fretting over how my little pets are getting on in the back room without me. Oh yes, it's a highly dynamic and exciting life that I lead is it not, so I'm sure you'll appreciated quite how I come to be so wearied and sadly incapable of doing much of the useful things I really needs to be doing in my spare time. Hm, well it seems to be a little more than I has energies for at the moment, though life in general has long been a little more than I've been able to muster too much genuine desire for, though it's not for want of thinking that I should do! Ah well, hopefully I won't end up being too exhausted on Thursday to be able to do anything on my day off, or for that matter, too overcome with discomfort of how close to the end of the week that seems and how soon I will be back on my travels to Scarborough.

Oh well, I'm sure you've read enough of my moaning by now so perhaps I shall end with some slightly positive, if potentially pointless, news. Having posted a bunch of my Guild Wars 2 screenshots to facebook so I could bore more of my friends with my geekery, I have actually managed to find one who has indeed been starting to play it to and this has resulted in me adding my first name to my friends list. Yay! It remains to be seen quite when we'll be able to work out a time to play together but it's certainly a promising step forward and I don't doubt playing will be all sorts more fun alongside a friend. The way the game is designed admittedly it is much easier to play alongside strangers than it was in WoW, there's no stealing of kills or resources and everyone is working towards the same goal, so I've had a somewhat more social time in this game than I have with any other though because I'm an idiot I've still yet to properly get the courage to really talk to anyone for any extended period let along join a guild or anything so forward as that. Nevertheless, outside of reality, I still continue to have fun every so often. My plant person has now very nearly reached the level cap so I'm pondering trying out a new character and class pretty soon though I have grown somewhat fond of Quercus Rufus and Sandy Claws, his wolfy companion. Some of the things that make Guild Wars 2 a little odd, which I have mentioned in previous posts, still remain but there's a new update coming at the end of this month which I hopes will add some fun new content, including the continuation of the living story thing I think I talked a bit about which may, at least in the fantasy world, allow me to rise above the title of Volunteer! Well, I shall see I guess anyways. Somewhat ominously though perhaps the scheduled date for the release of the update is the very same day as my next appointment in Scarborough, but hopefully I shall yet live long enough to be able to enjoy some of the new content. In the meanwhile it is also in my mind that I am now due to make arrangements for going back to the dentist to see what is to be done about the rest of my fangs, but I haven't had much in the way of will to face making arrangements for that yet. Enough to beat myself up over not doing it, but not to actually go do it yet. All that fun will come in time anyways. Right now though I thinks puppy needs to go rests since my little pinky eyeballs are starting to feels somewhat fuzzy. In the meantime though I do hopes that all you good peoples out there are enjoying yourselves whatever your realities and unrealities might be throwing at you. I did catch an article recently that potentially, research into the Higgs Boson could throw up the possibility that in some millions of years time a new universe could possibly emerge from, and eventually replace this one, so there's something to look forward to anyways. More entertaining than the frozen eternity of heat death at least. In any case, whatever universe you good peoples may be inhabiting I do hopes it be a peaceable and pleasant one. Imma leave you methinks with a recent image taken in the course of my imaginary wanderings and whether it be in this world or some other fantasy, I looks forward to seeings you in the future. Bye for now.

 photo GuildWars2PetCaverns_zps39706268.jpg

A Birthday and a Birth Day

Looking back over my adventures of the past few days I cannot help but wonder if I may yet prove able to actually learn anything from my experiences. That may of course be a somewhat selfishly introspective perspective given the nature of some of those days but that's generally the perspective my nature would tend to lend to pretty much everything. You should be used to that by now! Needless to say though having done all sorts of travelling, various social things and faced a bunch of differing personal tests of one form or another with variously mixed results, it might not have made a single ounce of real difference to my world but at the very least I hopes I might be able to use this as one other thing to wave in front of my overly sensitive nerves and non-existent self-esteem to prove to myself that, hey, I can actually do stuff if I really has a go at it! I can potentially also even enjoy it too sometimes which might just also prove helpful in addressing that other awkward issue when it comes to actually wanting to do things so I can actually feel that the rewards of my efforts really could be worth the trials and the risks which my overly theatrical imagination consistently blows way out of any rational or logical proportion. As yet though I can't really say if anything like that might happen but such are the thoughts that I be trying to hold on to in the misty midst of my more regularly tedious existence. It is curious though how, to some extent, from the vantage of this chair within the walls of my little flat, how all the places I have lately been seem like another world and my activities seemingly engaged in by some other person. It probably doesn't help either that now all the noise and activity has died down I finds myself feeling a decidedly drained and fuzzy sort of puppy today whilst the sound of humans outside my door, sawing and drilling things whilst they apparently fit a new shower in the flat down the hall, doesn't really makes it a particularly easy task to keep a conscious hold on to such positive feelings. Hopefully though as I sit here in somewhat muzzy daze my subconscious may yet be mulling over recent events and, admittedly somewhat contrary to what has consistently been its unhelpfully depressive and fatalistic nature up until this point, might actually take a hold of some of the more positive lessons of these past days rather than lingering upon all the more uncomfortable moments and troubling difficulties. Well, one way or another I has to manage it if I be ever to make anything more than the odd one or two moments of worth I tend to be able to fashion from my existence these days.

As I started off on my journeys of the weekend however the major characteristic of my feelings was probably one of intense frustration. The frustration being that despite knowing full well that I was off and on my ways to go do was a perfectly good thing and an enjoyable family gathering, a message I kept thinking to myself with the loudest thoughts I could muster, yet my insides continued to be all twisty turny and unpleasant and other more unhelpful thoughts got pushed into my brain, outlandishly ridiculous scenarios of my egregiously failing on some social standard and being thrououghly condemned and banished forever. Things I knew were absolute nonsense but that kept appearing in my mind, perhaps since they were more in keeping with the excessive reactions of my intinctive nerves and thus in my head I needed somehow to logically justify the feelings in some way that would make more sense to my brain. I have the intellect to see my the unhelpful ways of my nature and yet not the strengths to overcome it. Maybe. To be fair that's more speculation than any certainty that be quite how human nature works. Anyways, I wasn't feeling too positive as I made my ways on the bus over the still slightly snowy moors, although the reassurances of various folks ringing in my ears were having a somewhat more grounding effect and I found myself feeling rather more reasonable by the time I got sat down on the train. I suppose it's only nature to feel more reassured knowing I had managed to reach the station on time and stuff, but I do ponder as to whether the world of the train itself just has a settling effect upon my senses after all the travellings I did in my youth. In any case the journey was realtively straightforward by and large, apart from a small argument with the ticket barriers at Leeds station but that was swiftly overcome with the help of a kindly train man waving his magic card. Sights of bunnies and ponies and pheasants were seemed also somewhat reassuring if the view from out the trundly little train that made a slow passage from Leeds to Chapeltown was maybe not quite as picturesque as the view across the Vale of York. Nevertheless I eventually made my way to the little station outside of Sheffield, meeting big sister and my two little nephews at the platform before we started off on our ways to walk back to her house, fortunately being met by brother in law in his car halfway through the journey and just before we would have had to tackle the steep hill!

So it was that my sister's prophecy on Facebook had soon largely come to pass and I was sat on a sofa, with a glass of wine, endeavouring to entertain the small folk if with Moshi Monsters rather than Bin Weevils as had been suggested! A little later that evening saw the arrival of brother-in-law's brother and wife, along with two more younger people, to share a social evening of foods and drinks. I would confess to feeling some degree of awkward surrounded by all these folks to begin with as I stood about, trying not be too much in the way and riffled through my brains with any small thing I might be able to add to the conversation. The persistent thought running through my mind that everyone there would somehow be thinking this silent creature just hanging around seemed a somewhat unsettling and unwelcome presence. I don't suppose anyone was actually thinking any such thing, certainly I would wish to make it seem like any of these people were in any way difficult or judgemental sort of folks and mayhap I should like to stress that these problems be all entirely my own making, my own over sensitivity and lack of self-esteem. Indeed really I should say I was very much appreciative of big sister's efforts in making me feels more comfortable and would never wish to think I made anyone else feel bad for making them think they were making me uncomfortable. The problem is all my own, but I am grateful for all the tender kindnesses may be shared by anyone. Anyways, as the evening wore on and I had drunk a quantity more pink wine I did come to feel rather more at ease and comfortable in my surrroundings and the people I was sharing it with and by and by it did become quite an enjoyable evening. So you see, I can actually do pleasant social things given the right circumstances! The wine helps of course, but then how does that make any different from anyone else much either? Hm, I may be somewhat more uncertain than most in the presence of other people but hopefully I can yet take the lesson from a nice evening that I can still finds myself having a good time with other peoples. It does yet still give me some sense of positive feeling now I thinks about it now so hopefully it may have made some difference to my overall outlook. I was also somewhat heartened come the morning on finding myself much less troubled waking in an alien envrionment, and as the children had stayed over night, with peoples who I didn't know especially well. Slightly less heartening perhaps was the bit of a squishy hangover I had from having drunk a good deal more than I be regularly used to, but overall it felt like a relatively positive morning!

That was of course the morning of my step-mother's 60th birthday so after a period of preparations involving a shower and the ironing of my shirts so that I would be reasonably presentable to the standard of my step-mother's command we set off on a walk to the bus stop through a shower of freezing rain which probably did a fair amount to undo all our best efforts to render my appearance to one of reasonably human standards! I was also feeling somewhat worn and squashed after my social evening and early rise so I perhaps sadly found myself with rather less strengths for the social activities of this day. As it was though, folks had largely more important things to occupy them as, just has also been somewhat prophesised as the sort of drama that naturally has to accompany any family gathering, that night my pregnant step-sister had begun to go into labour! Heh, so however slightly squashed and not particularly talkative I may have been feeling as the family shared a birthday lunch, there were rather bigger distractions going on than anything that might have taken place at the pub! Feeling just a bit worn and squashed as I was methinks it was something of a relief for me when the lunch was ended and we made our ways back to big sister's place but I don't doubt much more of a relief must have been felt by all when we got the news later that night that my third nephew, a step-nephew this time, had been born safe and well and on same date as his grandmother's birthday which I suppose could well be convenient for the remembering! So it turned out to have been not just a birthday but also a birth day and, as a warm glow fell over everything as the snows began to descend and my sister's kittykat sprawled out over my lap. So, though the afternoon may have been somewhat and sticky and awkward for me the news of the evening very much made up for it and, by the sounds of it, the new family are all out of hospital and enjoying the start of their new life at home. So indeed it really proved to be a positive weekend in all sorts of ways, even more so than I might have imagined it ever could have been. Congratulations certainly go to step-sister and hopefully they has a most wonderful family life ahead of them all.

Things being things though I had to return, with some degree of reluctance, back to my own life. That reluctance partly on account of the enjoyments I'd had and not being able to see the new addition to my extended family, but also a distinct awareness of the scary things that I was going to be returning to. I was then feeling a little more uncertain than I might otherwise been of making my own ways from big sister's house to make the half hour walk back to Chapeltown train station, although crossing over the motorway proved an entertaining distraction but I fortunately managed not to get run over and eventually found myself on the platform without any undue incident. The journey back was then relatively uneventful, although I was generally feeling something of a distractedly nervous beast I couldn't help but notice the quite impressive buzzard looking rather startingly massive as it swooped exceedingly low with big outstretched wings just outside of Leeds. Meanwhile as the bus from Scarborough to Whitby turned down the road to Robin Hood's Bay I was surprised to see an unusually owl shaped bird swooping through the daylit sky which, when perched on a fence post turned to look at me to reveal the unmistakably owlish face of what I could only describe as a little owl, and indeed, that be what they are called. Some bird's names may not seem quite so imaginative as others but it was the first little owl I thinks I have ever seen in the wild before so quite a magical experience in itself! Hm, it wasn't long though before that vision was behind me and I had look forward to the inevitable prospect of my return home and the stuffs I'd have to be doing over the next couple of days. The first of these, in fairness, only really slightly troubled me, and that was my rearranged appointment at the jobcentre that I would have had on the Monday. After all my travels I was quite a weried beast that evening and so the efforts of making my preparations and writing up my job activities proved rather more tiring than it needed to be. As it came to pass though, the appointment itself barely took five minuted for me to sign my name in blood before I could be aways again and have me a bit of a nap to catch up on the sleeps which I hadn't had a great deal of that night before I had me an afternoon at the shop, poking at the till whilst my glamourous assistant picked through the latest deliveries of books. There's all sorts of herding still to be done there though so I'm not going to be without stuffs to do at the shop for a while, at least when I doesn't have to ride out as a till poke. As it was though, despite the positivity of the weekend, my nerves were still obsessively fixated on the potential of the mock interview I had now arranged for Wednesday and the excess of scary that involved.

Of course though, I had chosen this for myself, personally requesting another mock interview at my last Scarborough appointment in the hope that facing the frightening thing again might eventually lead to some sort of useful outcome. I have been musing lately that one reason that my visits to Scarborough to continue to feel pretty nauseating however many times I do it is not simply because the interrogations are in themselves unnerving but also that so much of what I end up doing there is really nothing more than I do myself, explaining what I'd been doing the past two weeks and then going through the exact same websites that I have been looking for vacancies. There's so little real reward that comes from it mayhap my brain has nothing positive to feed on from the experience and so only has the negative to draw its instinctive reactions from. Thus, though nothing really terrible has yet happened to me there, my brain hasn't really learned anything different. At least the mock interview thing would be something different, something I couldn't easily do for myself and just maybe it might make myself feel a little better about my own abilities. Before that then I yet found myself feeling deeply squishy and unpleasant come the morning, after barely managing an hour of sleep after evening of mildly flappy preparations. That morning then I put on my shirt and suit and had myself a brief argument with that most truly pointless item of clothing, the tie, before I made my ways out into a frosty cold morning. Snows were just beginning to fall as I got on the bus to Scarborough and I couldn't help but thinking that this was hardly the best weather just to be wearing a shirt a jacket in and made me really wish I hadn't forgotten to bring my gloves with me! For much of the journey there I found myself in something of a fuzzy trance as the landscape of the moors slipped by and I tried to repeatedly rehearse answers to potential typical interview questions in my head and not dissolve entirely into a mad panic. As it turned out though it seems I managed to keep hold of just enough of those answers to put in a reasonable creditable performance and just about survive to the end of the experience, despite a few occasional stumbles and moments of terrifying blankness in my brain. It was a very great relief when I finally got to the end of it, but I was also quite glad not to have been too excessively terrible. Indeed, afterwards the nice man said I was very nearly all there as my performance had gone but the thing perhaps to let me down was that I gave off a certain air of unpreparedness that might seem to employer I hadn't put the sort of thought into my job interview as they might like me to have done. Heh, funny really, since I'd probably thought of very little but that in the days leading up to it, but not exactly in the most helpful ways. Indeed, I knows I could do much better in planning in a strategic and methodological way for these things but since the thinkings about it feels so unpleasant, all my senses resist doing even the preparation that would doubtless make my worries rather less if I could do it properly and make myself feel more secure in what I was going to do. A pity the nervous system can't quite seem to grasp such insights.

Still, apparently in my shirt and jacket and tie I did at least look the part, although when I happened to glimpse in a mirror just after the ordeal I could only think, really? With that roughly shaven face and clumsily tied half-windsor, would you really employ that? Hm, well mayhap I be too harsh on myself. I did get it done though, and I have shown myself that I am capable of doing these things. I only hopes that my nerves take note and allow me to do it better for the next time. I think I did end up with some relatively reasonable advice from the man on how to approach these things too for the next time, the only question being really if I will be able to subdue the reactions of nerves such that I can hold on to the energy and the will that I might be able to make suitable preparations so I can be ready and look properly the real deal for the next time. So now as I sit in my chair, in my flat, after all my adventures of the past few days I find a decidedly ambivalent sort of sensation settling down over my being. Technically I thinks I have actually shown to myself that I am capable of doing good and worthwhile things, of being social and seeing people and even making a pretty good show of myself at the job interview which, let's face it, is something of a scary to just about anyone. This be however the nth time I must have done something which ought to show my brain that I can be a capable and clever creature and my brain hasn't yet seemed to show much inclination to catch on to that fact. So doing these things remain far more of an ordeal for me than they needs to be, which yet leaves the question of whether it's something I shall ever manage to keep up for long enough to actually build to solid foundation that might allow me to keep hold of anything I did manage to actually acheive. Then I wonder, just how much is me and my oversensitive nature or just an error in my own thinking and choices. Mayhap everyone experiences life like this and I'm just really, really rubbish and lazy and stupid. Oh, but then I can do stuff. Look, I just did! Oh, but I fear however much I do it's never going to stop being difficult for me, and then it's much easier to thinks the efforts I need to put in really aren't worth the trauma. Heh, but when it comes down it, whatever other choice to I have? However difficult or easy the world and my nature might make life for me it's the only life I has to lead so I has to try and lead as best I can one way or another. Hm, so I guess that is now what I shall go and do. Methinks I has run out of strengths for further writings so I shall bid you good folks adieu for now and go amuse myself this evening with the acerbic viewpoint of Charlie Brooker on TV which should prove an amusingly wry counterpoint to my efforts to hold on to the positive thoughts and feelings I may have managed to accrue over the days gone by. Mayhap I'll poke about on Guild Wars 2 a bit later if I yet needs to avoid reality a bit more of I could skip back online a bit again later tonight and see what comments I has to reply to or turns to take in word games and highly constructive and useful things I tends to engage my free time in!

In the meanwhile though, before I leaves I do sends my deepest appreciations to all those good and kindly folk out there that have shared there supports and kindliness over the past few days. I hopes you has all enjoyed an enjoyable weekend and this week has thus far been kind. Heh, and hopes you've all had a pleasant Valentine's Day which I suppose is one event that I'm rather unlikely to ever have to need worry about ever again at least! Hm, well anyways, I'm off to sits in the unreal sanctuary of the castle of my imagination for a little while before I has to roll back on with the real world. Should any of you like to join me in either of those places you be more than welcome, but for now I bids you all farewell and wishes you only the sparkliest and fluffiest of fairy graces as you go about your own adventures. I shall return in due course to let you know how I gets on with mine. Be seeings you!

This Too Shall Pass

Amongst a broad variety of seemingly relatively simple things I've always seemed to mystifyingly struggle with, I do often seem to find a distinct difficulty in quite predicting just how the world is going to appear from day to day. By which I mean, the general mood I find myself waking with may often seem to bear little connection to the one I went to bed with, but then in some instances that might be the case even just from hour to hour. From this you'd think I might learn that the one constant of life is change and whatever bleakness may at sometime frame my perspective I can count on it being only a temporary phase. Of course though, it doesn't often seem to play out like that and when one set of feelings takes a hold of my senses it can become quite impossible to imagine the world might be seen in another way. This in turn can then seem to render an unsettling degree of cognitive dissonance actually being the one constant in my experience of this thing we call living. Perhaps that is just how life is though and I just tend to make something of a meal of it? Heh, needless to say though, when I woke on Sunday feeling unexpectedly alert and almost mildly positive about the day ahead I was immediately rendered deeply suspicious about what tricks the universe might have had up its sleeves for me! Mayhap not the best way to appreciate such a gift of a morning, especially when the morning is very rarely my kind of day but having not had a great deal of sleep that night I was expecting waking with quite different sensations. As it was though I can't say the day threw any particularly dramatic trauma but on the other hand it wasn't too long before that sense of liveliness had worn off to be replaced with some quite weary and reluctant limbs and a particular sense of spiritual ennui. I got through the day ok, but it was distinctly without any particular eagerness and a whole bunch of stuff I probably should have got done ended up not being. Hm, but I don't suppose there's anything much new in me no taking action on any of the positive thoughts for activities I might have, regardless of the degree of energy I might have in my possession. So it was though that Sunday ended up something of wearied day in the end although the supply of customers were steady without being too difficult so overall it wasn't really too bad, if nothing that might be termed particularly inspiring either.

Monday at the Coliseum still held some lingering degree of tired but it had it's little entertainments to keep me amused. Chief among these occurred when the folk upstairs received an email notifying them of the necessity to renew their domain registration for the use of Google Apps. The humans were rather uncertain as to whether this was thing they necessarily had to pay for, I passed on the information that I rather thought that it was, and then the humans had some difficulty working out just how they were supposed to go about that renewal process. So it was I ended up making a rare trip to the dizzying heights to play about on the computers in the office upstairs. In fairness, Google would not appear to make it as straightforward as it could be to renew payments for their services to business, but on the other hand neither did it take me too much tinkering to see which options I needed to activate to facilitate the process. I can't though say the humans really seem to make things very easy for themselves and I'm not entirely sure quite how much time they've spent actually investigating the systems they be paying for, besides who they are actually paying. Quite whether it's my place to be making any comment that the finance department seems to have had no idea from whom they leasing the various Internet domains they've purchased (or indeed why we have two separate domains from one provider and yet another company providing the webspace) but I'm just a little volunteer that saunters in to help out from time to time. Anyways, apparently now explanations have been made so they should know what we have hired, and from whom, but it remains to be seen quite how much attention anyone upstairs is really paying with my online tinkerings. Speaking of which though, in my absence from the Coliseum on Tuesday I had to grudgingly pass over my login details for the web admin (so they don't actually know their own login details for their own website either?) to allow another of their little volunteer helpers to add a thing that apparently needed adding. Come Wednesday I had tidy thing up a bit, although apparently I'd missed an entertaining day of confusion and grumpiness whilst I'd been at the shop, although I wonder at how that would be much different to the usual state affairs I would often seem to find there! Ah well, as far as I can tell things be relatively in hand there at the moment, insofar as they may ever be, and hopefully they won't miss my presence too much since I'm not going to be there on Monday as I should just be returning from my travels to Sheffield at that point. Still, mildly amusing little fun and games there in any case but we'll see what may yet come to pass with the projected projects that had been in the works.

Meanwhile, my time at the shop this week was enlivened no end with an unexpected visit from the beloved area manager on Tuesday. The day had already been quite impressively enlivened with a most unexpectedly heavy flurry of snow which I was mildly taken aback by when I stepped out the door that day. The weather had said there may be a little of the white stuff around but I hadn't been expecting such heaviness nor plumply fluffy five centimetre clumps of flakes streaming from the sky. It did actually look quite impressively pretty, at least as long as the wind wasn't blowing towards you, and then you ended up with a wall of snow in your face. Sadly though none of it seemed particularly keen on the idea on settling so there hasn't been any repeat of pretty snow scenes to take any pictures of. Needless to say though, the excess of snows led to rather distinct dearth of any customers so I hadn't much to occupy myself with on the till whilst my glamourous assistant did what little could be done with the few books we had in the back cupboard. My book department has though now been very subtly reduced in size with one entire row of shelving carefully removed, leaving us with but six rows along the wall rather than previous seven. It does feel something of a shame to be reducing things but with the new policies it was really going to be impossible to keep that many shelves looking reasonably filled and with the six shelves spaced out a little more up the wall you really couldn't tell there was anything missing unless you knew. Certainly none of the regular customers seemed to have mentioned anything about the difference in any case. I fear it may yet prove a bit of a struggle to keep even these shelves looking pretty but we did at least have a couple new deliveries of stocks over Tuesday and Wednesday although, since I've been poking at the till, I haven't really had much of an opportunity to get them herded into pens and see just what we've been provided with. The flow of stock and lack of storage space are not the only difficulties, the lack of time I have to devote to my flock is also somewhat problematic if we're going to keep up with culling the shelves every two weeks. Heh, it may also depend on quite how much vitality I may be able to muster in my soul on any given day which, as mentioned previously, is not something I find I can ever put much of a guarantee on! Oh well, I wait to see with some small trepidation quite how my little cupboard is going to look when I gets back down there on Friday. When I left it was stuffed full of bags of books. Maybe it still will be when I get down there or mayhap it will have all been helpfully tidied and arranged, but hopefully by someone with at least some small idea of what kind of book goes with what, besides some idea of their alphabet! Whoever did some helpful filling of the shelves on Monday clearly hadn't the clearest idea, particularly since for some reason they then went on and apparently put out a whole shelf of DVDs still on the product code for books. Oh well, just another work environment where not every folk clearly has the tightest grip on the mechanics involved in their processes.

Inbetween all this nonsense though there is the somewhat more festive business of preparations for my step-mother's shiny 60th birthday this weekend, although me being me, I probably find the word 'festive' to have a somewhat more troubling meaning than most other people! Still, having emailed the fairy job folk in Scarborough and talked a bit with big sister I think I more or less has a fix on my travel arrangements at least. I shall be departing on Saturday and staying with big sister and her little family which means another journey to a place I'm not altogether certain how to get to! Still, from what I can see it looks relatively straightforward, getting the train to the little station of Chapeltown, but half an hour's walk from big sister's abode out on the edge of the environs of Sheffield. I don't thinks getting there should prove too traumatic. I do yet find myself wondering quite how the overall adventure may yet turn out however. Not that I should have any reason to worry at all, just a nice, friendly family gathering. Almost a little re-run of Christmas in many ways. As yet though I've yet to prove able to encourage any sense of eager anticipation or excitement about the prospect. At best I finds myself harbouring a sort of heavy determination that this is just a little thing I should be able to get through and survive. That's the sense of my feelings though, in the rational parts of my brain I do look forward to the prospect of seeing sister and brother and sister-in-law and brother-in-law and nephew and step family and all besides but that's very far from anything I have yet really felt. If you can appreciate what I means. Perhaps it doesn't much help that more or less straight after, or at least on the Wednesday now I has rearranged my appointments, I have the fun of a mock interview to go through and the extra burden of nerves that that entails. Of course I chose to put myself through that in the hope that having another go at practicing this sort of thing will eventually someday help me to feel that death may not actually be preferable to the efforts required to get on with living. Hm, somehow though I don't seem to have quite learned that yet despite all my previous attempts and practices which is more than a little frustrating. I am, after all, a reasonably intelligent creature and I know the things that ought to be good for me, yet the feelings that they elicit still render this life to feel like a heavy burden indeed and and my flesh would yet seem to feel far greater reward from not getting out of bed, or collapsing in some forgotten corner, than it does from actually doing these things or even the more straightforwardly enjoyable activities like computer play which even then requires a whole bunch of mental effort to convince myself to do sometimes.

Perhaps though, that is just life? The way my feelings twist and turn I'm not really sure at all what might constitute a reasonable sensibility when it comes to living. Do anything has to require some sort of effort, but I confess I find it hard to imagine myself that it should be quite so much, or that doing good things should so often feel like they are directly opposed to what seems my natural urges. Spending so much time on my own though, I wouldn't really know, and since as far back in my childhood as I can remember, other people have seemed like somewhat strangely distant and alien sorts of creatures in their way. That perspective grows more or less extreme as my moods alter but never quite seems to entirely go away. I remain now, more or less as I have ever seemed to be, somewhat lost and uncertain of my place in a world that seems to slither out my grasp whenever I try to reach at it. Even my sense of self is something I find myself unable to feel altogether certain about. Still, from what other people have told me at least, everyone else out their faces their own existential puzzles as well but beyond those attempted reassurances I yet can't help but think myself at the further end of that complicated spectrum. At least as far as some of the stupid choices I've made over my lifetime though I can't say that really warrants me any greater degree of sympathy than any other of these human creatures with whom I share a planet. Indeed, in some senses all I can really do is to continue to shamble onwards as best I may through whatever circumstance a combination of my own will and the universe at large can manufacture. At any rate things presently at least feel a little less desperate than they did at times during the previous month but on the other it still feels something of a decidedly unnecessary burden to drag myself through life which I don't yet feel the greatest eagerness. Mayhap though my travels of this weekend might yet be able to engender some delights and enjoyments that I might possibly bring back with me to make some positive use of those feelings to light the rest of my livings here. I can't say things are too despairing here right now, but I'm still a wearied creature and methinks I shall yet need to see at least some little improvements shortly if I'm not to find myself altogether worn out in not too short an order. Still, if this unpredictable world and my untrustworthy emotions can teach me anything, and however stubbornly resistant to such learning I would seem to be, it's that this too shall pass one way or another and the world will yet change and myself along with it, I but hope that shall prove to be in a fluffier and more sparkly direction. For now though hopefully I can has me a quiet evening ahead with some amusing and interesting televisual enjoyments, perhaps a little further fantastical adventurings in Guild Wars 2 or maybe some reading and stuffs. Heh, I guess life isn't all existential angst and self-indulgent personal philosophising. In the meantime I hopes all you nice friendly peoples has pleasant evenings ahead too and in appreciation of all the kindly supportive friendships I shall shares as much sparkly wishes and extra fluffiness that I might be able to muster in the meantime. Do feel free to makes whatever use of it you might wish. I'll be seeing you!

Making Arrangements

Fortunately, the past few days seem to have been relatively more kind and tranquil than those I have seen in previous weeks. That's not to say they have been entirely without tedious incident. I didn't much need, for instance, being followed down the street by a man who could barely stand insisting I share the most amazing drugs he had in his possession. I was rather glad when he did eventually leave me along but it took a fair while of repeatedly stating of how I unfortunately needed to be on my way as he doggedly staggered down the street, leaning on my vaguely to stay upright whilst making various efforts at forming coherent sentences. I had vaguely begun to fear that he might continue to follow me all the way back to my flat, and I started worrying quite what I was to do to get on my way but as luck would have it he eventually gave up on his pursuit when I began making my way up hill, the effort of climbing proving more than my company might have been worth so eventually he let me go. It was a little while of sitting when I got back to my flat before I could return my brains to some more reasonable sense of order. I can only wonder what happened to him but assume he must eventually have gone back to wherever he came from on the return bus ticket he seemed to think he needed to show me. Really though he needs to work on his sales pitch. I mean if I've learned anything from my time at the shop it's that the hard sell is particularly unappealing and indeed even more so from someone who would seem incapable of standing on one spot for more than a few seconds. Heh, most of the time the kinds of drug dealers my long hair attracts are of a far more amenable disposition but I find it hard to imagine this man will have found many takers for whatever it may have been he was actually offering. It wasn't altogether perfectly clear to discern quite what he was going on about. Still, it wasn't exactly the sort of shake up I really required at the time (although in fairness, when would it be?) as I was then in the midst of making arrangements with the job centre to shift the date I was next due to sign on so as to make the space in my schedule to allow for travel down to Sheffield and the family gathering that has been arranged for step-mother's 60th birthday. Asking for stuffs from authority folks is an unnerving business at the best of times without the addition of random idiots.

Ah well, that was but a brief moment that hopefully won't have left any lasting impression on my subconscious. Heh, well I doubts I could be rendered much more socially nervous than I already am in any case. Of rather more note were my visits down to the job centre offices on my day off after I had somewhat belatedly realised that getting back on time that Monday would perhaps not prove the most particularly straightforward task. I suppose potentially it could have been manageable but it would have meant a decidedly early departure after the celebrations and of course the trains would have needed to be on time which is not something I would have a great deal of faith in happening. Anywho, arrangements were made at least after a first visit to make an appointment to see a man about the appointment which then gave me an hour or so free time to fill before I went back. On my return the business of moving my appointment from the Monday to the Tuesday proved relatively pointless with just a little form to fill in though it was interesting to watch the sensations of my nerves throughout the process which remained consistently on edge just in case at any point the man behind the desk chose to release the tigers. Heh, as it turned out of course the world chose to release its own somewhat addled tiger after the event, but it's something to wonder that I should feel such a tense puppy during a process which, if tedious, I knew not to be in any way really threatening. Still, I don't suppose any of this really teaches me anything I didn't already know about myself. Mayhap it's also not so abnormal to to have some sense of apprehension when it comes to any vaguely official sort of appointment, these days of course it is perhaps a not unimportant factor that I don't really have the clearest of perspectives on what most other people generally tend to feel in whatever situations they find themselves. I don't imagine many would enjoy a trip to the job centre or being accosted in the street but on the other hand I do still guess that my broader experiences of the world are yet not quite on the same level as the majority of folk I see passing by around me and find myself pondering quite what they might be pondering as they shuffle past me. What they're probably not doing is spending half their time wondering what everyone else around them is thinking but sadly I don't find my world quite so straightforward to just get on with. Someday though I hope I may yet actually feel that the things I think I want and should be doing are actually good things that I actually positively desire. So much of the things I think I have to do seem through some twisted reason to go against my nature, so living continues to be decidedly more effort than it need. Hm, I don't suppose my continued complaining is going to get me very far or change that depressing circumstance however so I shall shamble on and yet hopes that I may manufacture some positive change somewhere along the line.

Anywho, sorting out things with the job centre is sadly not the end of the awkward when it comes to my schedule as, having moved that appointment, it is now necessary to see if I can move the date for my next appointment in Scarborough for the mock interview. Funny perhaps how these things can't be worked out together but such is how the world is currently structured. Still, hopefully it shouldn't prove too traumatic to work all these kinks out but I suppose I shall see what sort of reply I may gets to my emails after the weekend. Then mayhap I can start looking at the event itself, a happy family celebration which of course I ought to look forward to and be entirely excited by and which naturally I find my nerves cringing away from and pulling me back to avoid. As I find myself thinking about it now I feels a whole bunch of awkward sensations tugging at me from within and I sense my detached brain watching these all jump around perfectly aware of them being unnecessary nonsense. Still it doesn't stop feeling uncomfortable and it's just a little depressing that it does. Ah well, I don't suppose there's really much more I can think to say on the subject right now that I haven't already in previous posts but hopefully anyways my schedule can be worked out ok and and I can yet has me an enjoyable little weekend ahead, staying with big sister and spending time with little nephews before we all goes for whatever entertainments have been arranged for the birthday bash. Doubtless things will looks and feel rather different when I'm there than they do from the current perspective my nervous system be inhabiting and hopefully those looks and feels will be pleasant ones. Still, speaking of family, I shall be shortly wandering round the corner myself to visit the other half of it as I am due to be fed mother's nourishing stew this evening. Hopefully my mother and her man will prove to be in amenable mood and that will turn out to be a reasonably reasonable time too. I seems to have found myself feeling a little stiff and fuzzy today but as things have been lately I find myself thinking I'd quite like to be holding on to as much of my strengths as I can for the doing of potential things, so hopefully the world isn't going to be throwing any more unnecessary shenanigans that may drain me any further. Well, I shall be finding out shortly I suppose but in the meanwhile is doubtless best I tries to thinks as possitively about that and all my other prospective prospects as I finds that I can manage.

In the meanwhile of course I will yet have the fun of the shop on Sunday though I'm thinking that should be a reasonable day I should be enjoying the company of our good manager and we has a bunch of work scheduled to do together. After spending a week struggling to herd my little flock of books into some reasonable shape that also fits in with the ridiculous new orders that have come down from head office, manager has apparently had words with her superior and managed to gain official approval to remove one row of shelving from the book department. I spent Friday sorting through the small selection of new stock we had come in and then clearing out the bottom shelf which actually allowed me to make those above it look reasonably full and pretty, but not without pretty much using up all the spare stock we had. It's not without something of a heavy heart that I finds myself somewhat reducing the capacity of my little book department but it would seem to be a sadly necessary task if we are going to have any hope of keeping up with new orders that no book should be on the shelves for more than two weeks, and yet keep everything looking reasonably attractive and presentable. Even so we still find ourselves pondering that may just have to forego following these new orders to the letter and, so long as no one else is looking, just have to be a little selectively judicious in quite what books we do allow to leave our tender care. Well, work on that will continue on Sunday and we shall see where we stands from there. Heh, it might seem though that voluntary work is something of my destiny since in my adventures outside of the real world in Guild Wars 2 I has been entertaining myself with elements of the new living story that they have begun introducing to the world. At the moment this has involved assisting streams of refugees escaping a threat in the mountains, the precise nature of which has yet to be revealed as the story unfolds and the game world evolves. Engaging in these various new in-game activites has however allowed my character to gain his first title which, coincidentally enough, is that of 'Volunteer'! Heh, surely the point of fantasy is doing stuffs you would never otherwise be able to do in the real world? As it is in both I find myself spending a good deal of my time on my own, struggling to acheive anything particularly significant or that I can actually feel some concrete value and satisfaction in. Oh, the irony. Ahem. Well, maybe yet I shall somehow manage to make the arrangements necessary to my world, and my brains, that I may be able to go about things in rather more reasonable manner. I'll keep trying anyways. For now though I suppose I must prepare to be off and around the corner for my feast of stew but in the meanwhile I hopes everyone out there be enjoying and enjoyable weekend and that the world be cooperative in whatever arrangements you all might be trying to make. I shares out all the best and sparkliest wishes I can for all that might wants to make use of them.

These Organic Machines

I have to say I seem to be having one or two issues with mine, or at least the onboard computer certainly requires a bit of adjusting! Still I don't suppose that particularly comes as news to any of my tiny cadre of long term readers. Needless to say though, lately circumstances seem to have been particularly conducive towards poking at my particular sensitivities and thus helpfully making it all sorts of easier for me to make myself feel absolutely hideous about things that shouldn't be any problem for me whatsoever. Still, I suppose I'm somewhat used to it by now but that doesn't really make it any more bareable, at least in certain circumstances and those, indeed, seem to have been the circumstances I have generally seemed to encounter this month. In the meantime I can only continue to ponder at the perplexity of a brain that stubbornly seems to refuse to learn from experience or gain any much degree of comfort or confidence from it. It's altogether baffling and somewhat monstrous. Still, the mysteries of life are just those things I suppose and, if watching Brian Cox ramble on about it in his own floppy haired way in the days before my terrible adventure, they can also be astonishingly mesemerising and breathtakingly beautiful. These visions though, contrasting with the ugly sensations I found myself dealing with, did leave me something of a bitterly tearful puppy watching it. A world so remarkable and dazzling does exist and yet somehow I seem unable to capture it. Hm, in the meanwhile though the professor's intriguing spiel on the nature and origins of life from a scientific perspective were undoubtedly fascinating but did, perhaps in the nature of their simplification for a TV watching audience, beg a few more questions than they possibly answered. Chief among those from my point of view perhaps was the question that if we are indeed all organic machines, formed from the laws of the nature and indeed subject to them, squishy bags of chemistry and physics, processing energy until the universe disintegrates then what is the nature of free will and indeed can it exist at all if everything we do, say and think is essentially a biological process? Of course it is often posited that consciousness and will are something of accidental byproducts of those processes, and that may not necessarily mean our will is in any way less our own but then also I suppose our view of our potential for self-determination may alter drastically depending on the scale we view it from. As a great genius once wrote, the universe is big, really big. From my own much more humble and limited perspective though I can only ponder just how I may ever find the ways to alter my own nature and indeed whether it will prove possible for me to do it on my own or whether I really needs something of a helping hand from this great universe of ours if I am going to get to a place a bit more like where I want to be.

Hm, for such a massively introverted and socially phobic creature like myself to go out and seek such assistances from a human be much like an arachnophobe asking for help from a giant spider! Yeah, a bit awkward, but one way or another something has to be improved otherwise I doubts I shall ever be getting anwhere very much. Needless to say then, I was feeling most abysmally nauseous and somewhat dizzy as I reluctantly made my way down to the bus stop on Monday morning for the scheduled visit to the executioners. I had managed maybe a couple of hours sleep the night before which had at least seemed to take something of an edge off the feelings that had coursing through me the night before. These sensations, having no real basis in rationality, tend to be decidedly erratic in their nature however and they ebbed and flowed along the journey. Whether it helped or not to find myself being talked at by a person at the bus stop who, in the most vociferous terms, was describing her thoughts on the Borough council and their employees, every male of which is apparently a pervert and every woman, a whore. Come to think of it though, that might be something of a handy combination though I could understand it wouldn't leave much time for getting any of the actual council work done. Of course were in more lively mood I may have mentioned that my mother was a council employee before retirement thanks but as it was I let the diatribe wash over me and, once one the bus, tried to lose myself in the scenes of whiteness out the window where the snow yet remained over the top of the moors. I had possibly been hoping of course for some terrible new natural disaster that might render the roads impassable but as it was the journey was smooth and actually on time for once which is what I imagine many might describe with the word, typical! Not me of course though, I'm much more original. So anyways, I arrived feeling awful and went to meet my fate which, naturally, didn't turn out too terrible at all. Much as I had visions swimming in my mind of incredulous responses to the tales of activities they were all largely just nodded at and noted down, agreement was made there were very few vacancies around these parts this time of year and I went on my ways basically to keep doing what I was doing. Actually, in an additional rush of bravado I actually volunteered to make my next appointment into a mock interview thing, largely on the grounds that I really do feel that more practice at that would be good for me and the thought of playing pretend seemed actually less unpleasant than being interviewed again about my progress or lack thereof in reality. So it was I shambled away from those offices with some sense of relief but also wearied resignation that that was really thing that my brain would prefer death to having to face? Oh, but it does, every time it would seem and I don't doubt it may yet do so again but hopefully perhaps this new week and forthcoming month may prove rather easier on my senses than the last, thus I may find myself with a little greater strength when the time comes and it won't feel quite so bad as this one. I shall find out I suppose, but in the meantime I must at least register may great appreciations for all the supports of my readerships which have indeed been most helpfuls to a foolish and badly wired little creature.

Still time marches inexorably onwards, or at least until the hypothetical heat death of the universe at any rate, and so I must marshall what strength I have left and look towards the rest of this week. Having returned from my long trek to Mordor however I do now feel on slightly more of an even keel if still somewhat run down. Sadly though I don't really have to option to sail away to Valinor from these Grey Havens but I was altogether spent when I did return and a brief lie down on Monday evening swiftly turned into something around twelve hours of sleep! Tuesday at the shop however fortunately turned out to be a relatively quiet affair as I had done most of the hard work that was required for my bookherding duties in the preceding week thus leaving only a small amount to be done that day which I could leave to my glamourous assistant in the book cupboard whilst I pootled about on the till. Of course the books are now in rather a sad state following the commandments that have come down from on high that we must remove all books past two weeks among the herd but hopefully those beasts will be treated reasonably well now they have been shipped off to the Scarborough branch and I am left to wonder whether we shall get enough fresh supplies coming in now to fill the gaps. None of us like the way it looks but orders is orders and hopefully it will yet win us some points when the area manager comes to do the annual audit shortly. In other news it would also seem that soon it shall be my step-mother's 60th birthday and arrangements are being made for some large family gathering down in Sheffield on February 10th. This may or may not prove a happy thing for puppy nerves but as yet my energies haven't been particularly conducive to properly arrange my own schedule but hopefully that may yet get done at some point. In the meantime though, on Tuesday evening I chose instead to ignore reality as best I could, first by catching up with the episode of Lewis I missed, watching that online whilst eating houmous was a warmly mindless experience and then had a bit of an explore in Guild Wars 2 which has lately released some new updates which shall hopefully make things somewhat more interesting. My sleep patterns being utterly out of kilter however it was decidedly later than I intended when I did finally get to sleep which may have been a problem since I needed to be up relatively early this morning as I was taking computer lessons all by my little self whilst the Overlady has a little time off. It's actually been quite a while since I've done any proper tutoring so I was feeling somewhat nervous about the prospect but things largely went smoothly on the whole. The only real problem being one lady who had forgotten her password but I quickly set her up a temporary account just for her to use today. Otherwise, it all went quite quietly and meanwhile I have had a few customers for the Internet cafe but no great issues there either besides banging my head on the underside of a table when removing a USB stick from the towers we have under there but I imagine that could well have done me some good!

Anywho, a pretty rainbow graced the skies as I shuffled my ways from the Coliseum to the shop today although I can't exactly vouch for it being a particular sign for anything. Still, it was another relatively quiet day padding around what was often an empty shop gazing mournfully at was left of my precious book department and hoping at least whatever turns out to be in the few bags we did get in the day before turn out to be good stuffs. For now though I find I am really quite glad that tomorrow is a day off for little me and I shall hopefully be able to get some rests and recuperate a little of my energies whilst getting my brains into some more reasonably ordered structure. It would seem to remain the case though that my brains will require some rather more definite reprogramming lest I continue to bounce from one unnecessary crisis to the next. It remains ridiculous that on one level I am perfectly aware of things I need to do and I know perfectly well they are entirely reasonable things and in theory I should be able to do them in a perfectly reasonable manner. However through some automatic stimulus or other I am yet continually submerged in a sea of unnecessary panic and this over the top reaction may surround my senses such that, for that moment, I can't see beyond it. It somewhat brings to my mind the suicide note of Virginia Woolf. She knew things were going on, beyond her control for all her genius and wit, and was at a loss on what could be done about it. So it seems that ways with the reactions of my brain but hopefully it will be a little while yet before all my hopes have been drained from me. Of course it operates in subtler ways too, one of those of course being acting in ways to avoid the chance of such unpleasantness when I can possibly manage it. Thus I find myself not making use of my quieter time in the ways that might prove most fruitful which doubtless in itself raises the chances of next little crisis being that much more difficult. Still I'm an overly sensitive puppy and it requires unnecessary efforts for me to do certain quite straightforward things leaving me without so much will for other stuffs. And so it goes on in various other manners I expects I've rambled about more than enough on these pages before now and is too wearied to do so any further at this instant. At least I have me a day off tomorrow and hopefully yet some time to think and sit and settle. The past couple of days at least have seemed relatively tranquil so hopefully I shall shortly be able to feel a little bit more perky. In the meanwhile time for me to scamper off and find me some rests but in the meanwhile I hopes the world is being kindly to all your kindly peeps out there and I shall return to these pages with further stories at some point in the future. Be seeings you.